post-foo The Thoughts and Sayings Of Baba Doodlius: November 2007

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Greetings all you commuters in the carpool lane of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

Today's Mystery may surprise some of you, especially if you are well versed in what you humans call "scientific priciples". I know many of you humans are big on science, and you love to study things and come up with "rules" and "theories" and "laws" to describe all the physical phenomena around you in the natural world, and often you folks figure things out exactly right, or pretty darned close. So I don't want to discourage all that sciencey stuff you do with this post, but I have to Reveal to you that you got one of your scientific laws wrong.

This is a big one, too.

There's this scientific principle called "Conservation of Mass" that some guy named Antoine Lavoisier* came up with in 1789, and science-types make a pretty big deal out of it. Without going into the nitty-gritty details, this rule says that regardless of what you do to physical matter (the technical term for this is "stuff"), you can't make more of it or destroy any of it. The best you can hope to do is move it around, but you always have exactly the same amount of it when you're done.

A well-known illustration of this principle was demonstrated by the great Russian scientist Dr. Alexei Jiffypopov in 1974:

Before thermal processing.... After thermal processing

As can been seen in these images, the delicious, butter flavored treat weighed the same before and after thermal processing, despite the obvious difference in volume. The total mass remained the same!

So why is this important? Well, the Conservation of Mass rule is considered the cornerstone of modern Chemistry, so without it you wouldn't have many modern conveniences that you take for granted, like shampoo, non-stick cookware, or breast implants.

So it may come as a complete shock to chemists and other scientists all over the world that I have discovered, under specific circumstances, that this Immutable Principle of the Universe can be violated!!!

Bill Nye the Science Guy is incredulous of my findings.

So what are these seemingly "magical" circumstances where this Pillar of Modern Science ceases to apply? You have probably experienced them yourself, at:

Holiday Dinners!

Yes, I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have now proven experimentally what many of you have suspected for years: When you sit down to eat a Holiday meal, you can actually gain more weight than the weight of the food you eat!!!

How can that be, you ask? Well, I leave that as an exercize for the reader. I specialize in the "What" and let some sciencey folks figure out the "How". (If I gave you all the answers you'd all just get lazy and expect me to spoon feed you all the time. Yes, I'm looking at you. You know who you are.)

So I may not want to put in the work to figure out HOW Holiday Dinners manage to violate the law of Conservation of Mass, but I have conclusively demonstrated, through diligent experimentation**, that this effect is real. Fortunately it only appears to happen during actual Holiday Dinners and not just any old time of the year. Further investigation of this time-dependent function is certainly warranted; I'll try to get a grant later. But for now I will just publish my data, which quantifies the magnitude of the additional mass gain during a typical American Holiday Meal (people outside the U S of A can feel free to replicate my findings with your local dishes the next time you have a Holiday Dinner):

1) Turkey, roasted and sliced

Amount Eaten: 6 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 9 ounces

2) Stuffing

Amount Eaten: 4 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 10 ounces

3) Ham, baked and sliced

Amount Eaten: 6 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 10 ounces

4) Cranberry Sauce

Amount Eaten: 4 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 12 ounces

5) Green Bean Casserole

Amount Eaten: 6 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 13 ounces

6) Mashed Potatoes, with butter

Amount Eaten: 6 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 1.2 pounds

7) Mashed Potatoes, with butter and gravy

Amount Eaten: 6 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 1.7 pounds

8) Pumpkin Pie, 1 slice, with whipped cream

Amount Eaten: 7 ounces.............................. Amount Gained: 7.2 pounds

As you can see, if you just stick to eating turkey or ham, and maybe a light veggie, you don't come out too bad in the end. But if you go all out with the traditional Holiday Dinner, well, you'll probably end up looking like my test subject:

Before............................... After

So whenever you sit down to eat a Holiday Meal, remember the Baba Doodlius Principle of the Violation of Conservation of Mass - and go easy on the dessert. Do what I do - eat it the next day!

* I believe this may be an honorary title meaning "Smart Guy": Earlier scientists like Galileo were said to be "Lavoisy", our conservation-of-mass guy Antoine was "Lavoisier", and later geniuses like Einstein are the "Lavoisiest".

** No animals were harmed during this testing phase. One human may have been harmed a little, but he sure did enjoy it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Oh you folks are just so nice!

Howdy folks! I trust you are all happy and healthy this week. And to all of you who are still stuffed with too much turkey and stuffing I say, good for you! Turkey is yummy.

No Revelation of a Mystery of the Universe today - maybe later this week if things don't get too busy (yes, a bird can get busy just like a human, you know). Today's entry is a big, hearty "Thank you very much" to Odd Facts of "Odd Facts" and Azzitizz of "the "Totally Transparent Party" for awarding me the following award:

You're so nice! Great big humongous bird hugs to the both of you! and to anybody else reading out there, a big bird hug to you too, but not quite as big as the ones Azzitizz and Odd Facts get, because they gave me the blog award.

Anyway, everybody have a nice day, and tun in next time when I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, demystify another Mystery of the Universe!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Gone, Baby, Gone

Greetings all you gliders on the warm updrafts of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

I have listed, accurately, my residence as "The Universe", but lately I have been mostly hanging out in the U S of A. As such, I am going to do today's Revelation on a quintessentially American Mystery. It concerns a prominent American citizen who vanished over 30 years ago without any trace whatsoever, and whose disappearance has baffled all who have attempted to discover this person's whereabouts. Countless references to this person have appeared in the media, and occasionally show up even today, so many years after the vanishing! I am naturally referring to

Jimmy Hoffa!

James Hoffa was born to be mysterious - his actual middle name is "Riddle". I swear I am not kidding about this, you can look it up. (I even put a helpful link on his name, if you trust Wikipedia.) Born in Brazil, Indiana on February 14, 1913 Jimmy was a beloved and upstanding American citizen. (Heck, how could he not be beloved, he was born on Valentine's Day for cryin' out loud.) Despite being born to humble circumstances, Jimmy rose to prominence in his chosen field of Transportation, accumulating only two serious felony convictions, and their associated 5-year intensely-managed residency period, along the way.

Hoffa lived for 5 years in this posh residence facility in Lewisberg, PA, known for its attractive high walls and impressive towers.

Jimmy attained the pinnacle of his career in 1957, when he became the President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, aka the famous Teamsters Union. During his nearly 20-year tenure as Teamsters President, he made many close friends in the Italian-American community and enjoyed a spirited friendly rivalry with Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.

Attorney General Robery F. Kennedy, left, shares some quality time with BFF Jimmy Hoffa, right.

Prominent Italian-American and best buddy of Jimmy Hoffa Anthony "Tony Jack" Giacalone, right, takes a stroll with an unknown aide. Curiously, Tony was never photographed with Hoffa.

Well-known, well-respected, and seemingly beloved by all, how did it come to pass that this paragon disappeared without a trace on July 30, 1975?

Theories have abounded for 30 years on what happened to Mr. Hoffa, including:

1) He ran off with a go-go dancer
2) He was kidnapped by lesser union organizers who were jealous of his success
3) He was abducted by the CIA and taken to a secret prison, to be subjected to "enhanced interrogation techniques" about union activities

We can ignore #3, since that sort of thing could never really happen. The other two are somewhat more plausible, although #2 cannot be true - he was far too beloved to have been kidnapped by anyone. While it is possible that he ran off with a go-go dancer, had this actually been true we would have heard about it on "Oprah" by now, so we can discount theory #1 as well.

So what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa?

As you may have guessed by now, I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have discovered the real story behind this Mystery, and have also determined the current whereabouts of Mr. Hoffa! Let the F.B.I. take some notes, here.

The story begins when Jimmy was a just a child. It turns out that Mr. Hoffa, from a very young age, was an avid reader. A favorite book of his as a young boy was "Sunny Boy at the Seashore" by Ramy Allison White.

He kept a copy of this book wherever he went. Ironically, his great love for this book would turn out to be his undoing!

You see, the copy that he kept was not his own - it was borrowed...

from a Library!

(Cue ominous music!)

He checked this book out shortly after its publication in 1920, and loved it so much that he never returned it. That would prove to be the biggest mistake of his life! Despite notice after notice that the book was overdue, he could not part with his most cherished possession. This raised the ire of

The Librarians! (Cue more ominous music!)

Folks, you really don't want to mess with The Librarians. They're the toughest, orneriest, most ruthless gang on the planet! You will rue the day you cross them!

Librarian Ruth Westland, in her natural habitat. So I guess this means The Librarians aren't completely Ruthless after all. Ha, ha, little joke to break the tension there.

Oh, I know what you're thinking - "Librarians aren't tough or mean". But you see, that's what they want you to think! To the public they present such a calm, helpful, peaceful demeanor, but in the meetings of their Top Secret Society of the Dewey Decimal Enforcers, their true selves are allowed to show:

So, you see? You really don't want to mess with these folks. Jimmy Hoffa found this out the hard way! After noting that his book had been overdue for 2,875 weeks, The Librarians could take it no longer - they pounced on poor, defenseless Jimmy in the dark of night and dragged them to their hidden lair, the Great Global Card Catalog:

It is rumored that the Arc of the Covenant is in there somewhere too

According to my inside source, Jimmy is still alive, being forced to work off his overdue book fine as a slave, constantly updating the master list of books in every library in the world! A fitter ending could not be written for the Jimmy Hoffa, the greatest overdue book offender in the annals of the Dewey Decimal Enforcers.

So let this be a cautionary tale for all of you blog readers: Enjoy the library, read all the books you want, but remember - the books are there for everybody, so return them on time. Or Else!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Aw, thanks folks!

So I open up the ol' blog this morning and lo and behold I find that I have been given a couple of Blogging awards! How cool is that? What a nice way to start the day!

So here's what I got:

From Marja, at "DUTCHCORNER", I got the entirely apt "Wise Bird Award"!

Thanks, Marja! You are cool. And folks, if you haven't checked out her blog yet, do it now. It is cool and poetic.

From Moooooog35, at "Mental Poo", I got the, uh, interestingly-titled "Shart of my Heart" award:

I'd show you this image, but it's disgusting, so if you really want to see it (trust me, you don't, but if just have to) you'll have to see it on the originating site. So, thanks a pantload for that one, Moooooog35! And all of you out there, if you haven't seen "Mental Poo" yet, go there now. It is cool and funny.

Thanks to you both for thinking of me!

And stay tuned for a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe, coming soon!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tag, I am apparently "it"

Good morning (or afternoon, or whatever time of day it is where you are) fellow Truthians! Baba Doodlius here, but today I have no great Mystery of the Universe to clear up. Rather, I have been "meme tagged" once again, this time by Mel over at "Attitude, The Ultimate Power". Thanks a pantload, Mel!

This meme thingy is aimed not at my forte of mystery solving, but instead asks a great many questions about Me, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius. 38 questions, in fact. That's a fair number of questions, so I beter get right to it.

So here goes:

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? - I assume that you humanocentric folks out there will be OK if I use "bird" as a synonym for "person". That being the case, the answer to this question is "Mrs. Doodlius"
2. What were you doing at 0800? - I was trying to figure what nomenclature they use to tell time in the military
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? - Eating bird food. Breakfast of Champions.
4. What happened to you in 2006? - I was attacked by a herd of meth-crazed bobcats. I fought them all off with my Flapping Wings of Doom and Iron Beak techniques. (Despite what the media says, Bird Fu is not a threat to humans - it is only used for defense. You're fine as long as you don't attack any birds.)
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? - "Another meme?"
6. How many beverages did you have today? - Does a fifth of vodka count as one?
7. What color is your hairbrush? - Uh, I'm a bird, so I don't have hair. I don't have a feather brush, in case you were wondering.
8. What was the last thing you paid for? - I don't pay for things, I just look all cute and birdlike and people give me stuff. It's good to be a bird.
9. Where were you last night? - In the jungle, the mighty jungle. It's also where the lion slept.
10. What color is your front door? - No doors in the jungle.
11. Where do you keep your change? - I keep it to a minimum. I like to stay the same, mostly.
12. What's the weather like today? - Depends on where you are, I suppose.
13. What's the best ice-cream flavor? - I like anything peanut-flavored, but I don't eat ice cream - I'm not a mammal, so I have lactose intolerance issures.
14. What excites you? - The chicken breast section at the supermarket.
15. Do you want to cut your hair? - Uh, I already told you that I don't have hair. Sheesh!
16. Are you over the age of 25? - A bird never reveals his age. Some Secrets of the Universe are better left unknown.
17. Do you talk a lot? - Sure, all the time. And I sing, too.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? - The "Obsequious Cormorant"? Sure, doesn't everybody?
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? - Steven Colbert. Oh, you mean I have to know them personally? Then no.
20. Do you make up your own words? - Most incongerbitably!
21. Are you a jealous person? - Nah.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A' – Albatross
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K' – Kingfisher
24. Who's the first person on your received call list? - Like "bird calls"? That would have to be Cockatoo.
25. What does the last text message you received say? - "Welcome to Verison text message service. You will be charged by the letter, so go ahead and get addicted!"
26. Do you chew on your straw? - I chew on everything, it's what birds do.
27. Do you have curly hair? - Oh fer cryin' out loud!
28. Where's the next place you’re going to? - The john. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
29. Who's the rudest person in your life? - The guy who came up with all the 'hair' questions!
30. What was the last thing you ate? - Bird food. It's yummy and good for you!
31. Will you get married in the future? - If you consider that my patented "reverse K.E.G. process" makes the past equivalent to the future, then yes.
32. What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks? - "The Birds". An all-time classic! I can't watch it often enough.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? - I like just about everybody, except for the guy with all the 'hair' questions.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? - Birds have no use for dishes.
35. Are you currently depressed? - No, unless you count the fact that I am underneath a large, wooden popsicle stick.
36. Did you cry today? - Yes, when the alarm went off and I realized that the weekend was over.
37. Why did you answer and post this? - I have nothing to hide. Mostly.
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey - This is gonna have to wait - everybody I know has already been tagged, so I'd have to hit the "random blog" button several times to come up with somebody to tag, but most of the time when I do that I get some stupid advertizing 'blog' about drugs that will supposedly increase the size of my penis after 2 clicks, and that's annoying so I'm not gonna do it.

So that's it. Hope you have learned something interesting. And if not, stay tuned for another Revelation of a Mystery of the Universe coming soon!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Good morning all you rafters on the whitewater rapids of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with this week's Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

As promised, I have no guest blogger today. Buckirk McGurk is out vandalizing a KFC.

Today's Mystery is a vanishing act of truly Epic Proportions. No, I'm not talking about politically liberal ideas in the American Southeast. I'm speaking of an entire civilization and all of its people that have been missing for over 2,500 years! Naturally I'm speaking of the Secret of the

Lost Continent of Atlantis!

The Mystery of Atlantis began when Plato mentioned it in his documentary Timaeus in 360 BC. He said Atlantis was an island somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean whose inhabitants had formed an advanced civilization. The Atlanteans ruled and enslaved most of Europe and a decent part of northern Africa before their expansion was halted due to a defeat in some great struggle with the Athenians. Archeological evidence points to this struggle as most likely being a soccer match:

I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but the Athenians beat the Atlanteans 1-0 on a goal by Theloneus Ronaldinus in penalty time.

The Atlanteans apparently pissed off some god or other, because all trace of their continent was said to have sunk beneath the ocean literally overnight! And it's not like nobody looked for them, either - there were some Libyans who had some serious bones to pick with them about all that slavery stuff. But it is unclear how much of this story we can trust, seeing as how the entire narrative is from a single book written thousands of years ago. So what is the truth behind the Mystery of Atlantis?

I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have done a thorough investigation, and have found out the Truth behind this fascinating Mystery. And the Truth is:

Atlantis really did exist!

Yep, there it is, just where Plato said it was! Pretty sharp guy, that Plato.

It wasn't much of a continent by continent standards - Plato may have exagerrated just a bit in his dimensional description. It was more like a nice-sized island. But it really was there!

And the most startling fact about Atlantis is:

It didn't sink. It moved! And it's still around!

See? It's not there anymore, just like Plato said. Pretty sharp guy, that Plato.

So this leaves one with a couple of pertinent questions, like

1) It moved? WTF?
2) Where the heck did it go?
3) What happened to the Atlanteans?

To tackle the first question, I refer you reader to the well-known Theory of Plate Tectonics. All the world's land masses were at one time a single large supercontinent known as Pangaea. A few hundred million years ago, this supercontinent broke up and sent the pieces "drifting" all over the globe:

This figure shows various stages of continental drift of the major land masses of the earth. Geologists have determined that the Creatceous Period was the happiest time in the planet's history.

It is a well-established scientific fact that some continents drift faster than others. [In fact, when India was a teenager it thought speeding was really fun - until it rear-ended Asia and had to have its drifing license taken away "until it grew up" (it's acting much more mature lately - maybe in a million years we can trust it to drift alone again). But I digress...]

So what I'm saying here is that Atlantis is just a little tiny continent that, instead of drifting gradually over hundreds of millions of years, drifted all at once!

So where did Atlantis go, and what happened to the Atlanteans?

I diligently searched the globe for clues as to the final location of Atlantis, and I found unmistakable evidence of its current position. It's definitely not sunken, it's on the surface for all to see! And the Atlanteans, with their super-advanced brains, discovered a feindishly clever way to hide their true nature.

They changed the last letter in their name in order to hide their true identities! A simple "c" instead of an "s" has kept their secret intact for over two thousand years!

I know what you're thinking - The lost Continent of Atlantis is in New Jersey? Well, yes. Yes it is. Think about it - the inhabitants speak a nearly incomprehensible language, practice very strange customs, and worship bizarre, alien gods!

Bow down before my impressive combover! Behold the God of Atlantis and his Temple!

Worst of all, they will take everything you have from you if you try to visit their land!

If you find yourself in modern Atlantis, avoid placed like this or the Atlanteans will take all of your stuff!

(I found this out the hard way, when I bet on an inside straight.)

Damn, I knew I shouldn'ta gone 'all in'!

So it is obvious that this civilization is not native to North America. Atlantis has not only survived, but by most accounts is thriving even amidst its currently hostile alien surroundings.

So there's the big Secret behind the disappearance of Atlantis. If you don't believe me, feel free to investigate yourself. Just remember to keep your feathers on.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Cluck This

Greetings all you hamsters on the spinning exercize wheel of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with this week's Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

I'm sure you think of me as a tenacious, hard-working champion on a never-ending quest for Truth, but in reality I am basically a lazy bastard. So I'm not going to do any work whatsoever this week. Rather, I have a Special Guest Blogger who has done all of the work for today's Revelation and as such will also be writing all the copy.

So without further ado, and because I'm tired from even having to type a few sentences, I am happy to introduce to you my good friend and Special Guest Blogger

Buckirk McGurk


Howdy Blog Readers! I'm Buckirk McGurk, and my ol' buddy Baba Doodlius has asked me if I'd like to do a blog entry for him this week. Well shucks, Baba, that'd be just fine with me!

Baba tells me that he does this blog about all the Secrets of the Universe that everbody wants to know but just don't ask fer whatever reason. Well I have somethin' to contribute to Baba's little encyclopedia here, seein' as how I know a secret that people DO ask now and again. And that would be

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And in case you were wonderin', NO, I'm NOT gonna discuss that novelty T-shirt with the chicken and the egg humpin' each other. That would be just plain silly, and this is a completely serious blog.

Now I know some of you are gonna get all smart-alecky and start talkin' about how lots of old-timey critters laid eggs

Yes, dinosaurs laid eggs you smart-aleck varmints.

Well you think you're so smart, but we're talkin' about chickens and chicken eggs here, consarnit! I had a theory of my own here I wanted to look into, and I just so happen to have access to all Baba's super-duper high-tech time travellin' equipment that he uses to go back in time and prove his theories. So I went all the way back in time, to the absolute beginning, and got a picture of the the start of time as you know it (pretty slick, eh? Baba's got some seriously neat stuff here at the ol' nest, lemme tell ya). Yep, I'm talkin' about the Big Bang! I got a picture o' that!

And my picture proves my theory of which came first beyond any doubt:

It was a chicken what started the whole Big Bang itself! The Cosmic Chicken laid the whole Universe!

Now that y'all know that you owe your entire existence to the Cosmic Chicken, you might have a little more respect for us chickens, and stop eatin' so darned many of us! And Baba, thanks for lettin' me set all these good people straight about that whole chicken-egg Mystery. Have a good 'un!


Well, Buckirk, that was, uh, enlightening, I guess. I won't even try to fathom how the Cosmic Chicken got there. Anyway, I hope you folks enjoyed today's guest blogger, but from now on I think I'll just get off my lazy, feathered butt and write my own updates fer cryin' out loud.

Cosmic Chicken?!? Where the hell did he get that from? Bajeebers!