Clear the Area!

Hello once again! And how are all you Pilgrims on the Journey of Truth today? I trust you're in good spirits and are ready for another Revelation from yours truly, Baba Doodlius. Hm? I thought so! So here we go with today's Secret of the Universe!

This week our Mystery may get me into a little trouble with the Government of the United States of America. You see, what I'm about to reveal is classified

TOP SECRET!

This means that once I reveal the Truth behind this Mystery, large genltlemen with badges and firearms will probably start following me and tapping my phones. The nature of this Mystery goes directly to the heart of a U.S. Government Secret that dates back several decades and has fostered a huge, fanatical following of conspiracy theorists who have been seeking to shed light on this Secret. I am referring to that renowned center of clandestine activity in the deserts of Nevada known as


AREA 51!!!


Area 51 is the not-so-secret code name of an installation run by the U.S. Military out in the middle of absolutely nowhere. As the old saying goes, the location's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. This location was considered so Top Secret that no aircraft are allowed anywhere near it, and its existence was officially denied until the 1980's, when the Soviets, trying to scare up some extra cash, started selling satellite photos of it to the conspiracy theorist crowd.

Actual satellite photo of Area 51

When you start poking around the perimeter of Area 51, you are greeted by pleasant signs that make you feel right at home:

The "Warning" section says something about being targeted by guys with big guns

Well, you feel right at home if you grew up in prison, or in Soviet-era Eastern Europe.

All the secrecy surrounding Area 51 has given rise to a cadre of amateur investigators who have been trying to pull back the curtain on this facility for decades. The theories about activities in Area 51 range from the mundane (Developing surveillance aircraft like the U-2)


to the bizarre (Performing autopsies on the occupants of crashed alien spacecraft).


As usual, all of the theories proposed so far are completely wrong. This is because the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius has never joined in the investigation - until now!

Taking advantage of my unique detective abilities, I was able to infiltrate Area 51 and obtain actual photographic evidence of the Top Secret activities that go on there! And what I have discovered may SHOCK and possibly SICKEN you!

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH!!!

OK, don't say I didn't warn you. I have discovered that Area 51 is actually...



A karaoke bar. For U.S. Government employees.

Apparently they built the airstrip in order to clandestinely transport U.S. Government workers from Washington D.C. to the karaoke bar in Nevada. They had to put the bar way, waaaay out there because most of the participants are elected officials, and if anyone ever saw and heard what they were all doing, the whole lot of them would be summarily voted out of office by the nauseated public!

Surpressing my need to toss my cookies, I was able to sneak into the facility to get some pictures of some of the festivities (you should thank me for not bringing a tape recorder):


Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) sings "I Got You Babe" with Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY)



Vice President Dick Cheney gives us his best sneer as he sings Elvis' "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog". As usual, the Vice President only sings solo.


In the evening's finale, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) went head-to-head with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) in the "Congressional Idol" contest. Their duet performance of "You're The One That I Want" from the musical "Grease" was met with polite applause by the 7 audience members who had not yet passed out drunk.

That was all I could take. After snapping these photos I fled like a bird out of hell, nearly getting captured by military guards when I paused near the front gate to retch up my dinner. (No pictures of that, folks - use your imagination. Or better yet don't.)

So that, dear reders, is the awful, horrifying truth of Area 51. I sure hope you appreciate this one, folks - it may take me weeks to recover!

Hey, baby!

Hello all you seekers of Truth! Baba Doodlius here once again to let you in on another juicy tidbit of Universal knowledge.

This mystery will be of interest to everybody because it involves

SEX!




No, I'm not going to post pornographic pictures or anything like that (they'd revoke my Mystery License if I were to stoop to so prurient a level). In fact, this post deals only peripherally with "the S word" in that it is all about Procreation, which is, of course, sometimes the result of "the ol' horizontal mambo". (Whoops, I got two points on the Mystery License for using that bad euphemism - darn it, my insurance rates are gonna go up. Stupid Mystery License Board!)

So what mystery am I solving today? Today's revelation is none other than the Answer to the Most Puzzling Question related to "sausage wrestling" (two more points, consarnit), which is:

HOW DO BABIES KNOW WHEN TO BE BORN?

Because, as I have mentioned before, I am a lazy bastard, I really like this mystery. I mean c'mon, there are babies everywhere you look. You can barely throw a rock without hitting one (not, um, that I ever threw a rock at a baby, mind you, it's just an expression). So the research on this one was hardly difficult, not like that Bigfoot escapade or the Chupacabra experience. Truly, it was like taking candy from a, uh, baby.

All I had to do was find a newborn baby. They had plenty of them in the local hospital. So I snuck in and took some pictures. Here's what I found:



Looks like a plain ol' baby, right? Well it is. But look very carefully at the belly area - here, I'll blow it up a little for you:




At this point it dawned on me what I was seeing, and it was the answer to the mystery! Still haven't guessed it? OK, I'll zoom in just a little more:




It's a pop-up timer!

I really suspected this all along. The same gizmo that helps you get a perfect Butterball every Thanksgiving also tells Junior when it's time to come out and see the world. Doctors remove them because they generally come in colors that clash with the traditional pink and blue blankets, but right out of the chute you can clearly see them right there.

Wow, that was easy! I almost feel like I didn't earn my paycheck for that one. Almost.

Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?

Howdy all you seekers of knowledge! Welcome back to the Baba Doodlius Emporium of Truth!

Today's topic is yet another of the great Mysteries of the Universe that has fascinated humankind for millenia. The roots of this mystery go back to the beginning of human existence, when certain persons, through their seeming mastery of paranormal phenomena, earned the respect, awe, and financial contributions of lesser mortals. I am of course referring to the Mystery of

PSYCHIC POWERS!

"Psychic Power" is actually a collection of different topics, which I am combining into a single post because I am a lazy bastard. The gamut of psychic phenomena runs from Telepathy and ESP to Psychokinesis to Precognition. Soothsayers and mediums and sorcerers claim to be able to read others' thoughts, manipulate objects with only their minds, and predict future events. (Frequently they perform these feats after being given large piles of valuable goods.)

Arguments over the reality of psychic phenomena have raged for as long as psychics have existed. This battle royale has not abated to this day. So who are combatants in this eternal struggle?

On the Psychic side: Let's meet some of the well-known psychics from recent history:

1) Jeane Dixon

Claim to fame: Ms. Dixon was the mother of all modern psychics, whose bold precognitions won over important celebrities like Richard Nixon and Nancy Reagan.

2) Uri Geller

Claim to fame: Mr. Geller continues to demonstrate all kinds of psychic abilities, including mind reading and remote vision, but is most known for bending spoons with his mind.

3) John Edward

Claim to fame: Mr. Edward formerly had a television program in which he contacted deceased relatives and friends of audience members, and has also published several books on this topic.


On the Skeptical side: Let's meet some of the prominent nay-sayers:

1) Carl Sagan

Claim to fame: Dr. Sagan was an astronomer and popularizer of scientific ideas, well known for his television program "Cosmos" and for his dismissal of psychic powers as "pseudoscientific twaddle".

2) James Randi

Claim to fame: Mr. Randi is a former professional magician and founding fellow of CSICOP, an organization that investigates paranormal claims.

3) Penn Jillette

Claim to fame: Mr. Jillette is the large half of the magic show duo "Penn and Teller" who have a television program called "Penn&Teller: Bullshit!" which aims at exposing both psychic and nonpsychic fraud.


With all the strong personalities and fiercely-held beliefs on either side, how can we possibly tell who is right? I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have determined a foolproof method of determining who has genuine psychic powers and who doesn't! This method is

KIRLIAN PHOTOGRAPHY!

This amazing technique allows us to view the auras of living objects, and is a totally real and valid phenomenon (that's a bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge).

Using this technique we can evaluate the auras of people who claim to have psychic powers! As should be obvious, real psychics will have distinctly different aura characteristics than non-psychics. I tested the auras of all the psychics listed above for traces of real psychic powers, and got the following results:




So as you can see, none of these self-proclaimed psychics have any real powers at all! How about that?

But any true scientific inquiry has to have a control group. To verify my findings, I tested all the skeptics listed above using the same Kirlian apparatus and got this result:



Amazingly, the Kirlian photographs clearly show that all of the skeptics have actual psychic abilities! How can this be? What can this mean? When other people wish to deceive us into thinking they are gifted psychics, why would these amazing persons want to hide the fact that they posess genuine paranormal powers?

A common trick-of-the-trade for professional magicians (like, for example, Penn Jillette or James Randi) is misdirection - the magician distracts the audience and, while their attention is diverted, performs some sleight of hand that makes the observers unaware of what is truly happening. The same thing is going on here: the skeptics are misdirecting our attention from the real psychics, which are, of course, themselves. Why would they do this?

The answer is: these real psychics live in a constant state of paralyzing fear! Fear of being thought of as "freaks". Fear of being ostracized by society. Fear of being made to "disappear" by those in authority who see them as too dangerous to be let roam free! Woe is them!

But now their secret is out! They no longer have to live in fear because we know everything, and we still love them for who they are!

If you see Penn Jillette or James Randi today, give them a big hug and say "I know your secret and I want you to know, I still love you, man!"

When they shed those tears of gratitude, tell them Baba Doodlius sent you!



This post is dedicated to the memory of Dr. Carl Sagan. Billions and billions of people miss you, Carl.

I Feel So Peaceful

Ahhhhh.

I love packing up some stuff and taking some days off once in a while. This business of knowing everything* can really take it out of you sometimes! A bird really needs to unwind on a tropical island now and again!

So that's what I did. I took a little trip with my new buddy Mr. Ghost to the tiny, msytical, magical island of Mukalakamika out in the middle of the ocean to let my feathers down a little, to let all my cares and woes melt into the glistening sand under my talons. Luxurating beneath the azure sky, soaking in the brilliant warming rays of the sun, I could feel all my tension rolling away like fresh, crystal-clear rainwaters flowing down yonder craggy volcanic peak through lush, verdant fields into the boundless sea.

Ahhhhh.

All this bliss was the inspiration to reveal this week's Secret of the Universe. But this week the secret is a little more localized than the whole Universe - it concerns just one little planet in the Universe, namely the one you're on, the Earth. Even being so localized, this revelation may be the most important thing you will ever read anywhere and any time. The secret this week is none other than the Secret of


WORLD PEACE!


For countless eons, human civilization has suffered from strife after strife, war after war. Humans, it would seem, are never more creative than when devising ways to cause other humans to suffer. Rare are the times in human history when Rodney King's timeless question "Can't we all just get along?" could be answered with a resounding "Yes".

But I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, am now in possession of the Ultimate Secret of how humans can finally say "Yes, We CAN all just get along!" And that secret is:

Tropical islands.

If everybody could just take a couple weeks out of their busy schedules and take a vacation on a tropical island, the world would be at peace. Nobody could possibly think of hating their fellow man when sunbathing under a palm tree while listening to the soothing tones of a ukulele and sipping a fruity drink. The Baba Doodlius Formula for World Peace** is thus:

x (+ ) =

So what's my plan for World Peace? (And don't scoff until you hear the details.)

The Plan is to send everyone on the planet on a 2-week vacation on a tropical island within a 10-year period! (10 years sounds like a long time, but nobody said World Peace could be achieved overnight!)

OK, I know, you're saying "Baba's been smoking something". Hear me out, alright?

The following are the details of my 100% guaranteed, completely realistic and workable plan for World Peace:

1. The population of the world is somewhere around 7 billion people. Spread evenly over the ten years, that would be 700 million people per year, or ~27 million every 2 weeks. That's doable. No problemo.
2. The total world military expenditure is over $1 Trillion USD per year. That's a truly astonishing number. (If you lined up all those 1-dollar bills end to end, you'd have a line over 1 trillion dollars long!) Since we're talking about Peace here rather than war, we funnel this entire sum into the new World Peace Fund, which would contain $1430 USD for each of the 700 million people per year. (Yeah, that's a little thin for some islands, but with a little help from William Shatner we could get this money to go a long way! Captain Kirk wouldn't steer us wrong!)
3. We send 27 million people to tropical islands all over the world every 2 weeks for 10 years.
   


4. Tropical islands are so peace-inducing that at the end of the 10 years we will have achieved Total World Peace. It's really quite simple.

In a typical two-week period we might see the following results:

• Day 2: Palestinians and Israelis start saying "They're not really bad neighbors when you think about it".
• Day 5: RIAA decides to stop suing music downloaders.
• Day 7: Chinese government says it "doesn't really mind" if Falun Gong members do tai-chi in the park.
  


• Day 10: Kanye West and 50-Cent jointly plan hip-hop cover of "We Are the World".
• Day 12: Colombian drug cartels go legit. "It's only money", says former drug kingpin. "I'm going to open an art gallery."
• Day 14: Osama bin Laden and George W. Bush seen dry humping under palm trees.
  
  
  

So that's the plan. Everybody get right to work now, calling and/or writing your local government officials to get the ball rolling. The Earth and its citizens are overdue for some peace!***

* See disclaimer in blog header text
** "Baba Doodlius Fund for World Peace" and "BDFWP" Copyright 2007, Baba Doodlius, all rights reserved
*** Just between you, me, and the wall, we all know that everything in this post is complete and utter bullsh*t. ( C'mon, Kanye West and 50-Cent burying the hatchet? Never happen.). But a bird can dream, can't he?

A Meme for Me

Howdy all you fans of Mysterious Enigmas!

I am back from my all-too-brief vacation. I'll have details on that a a little later, but in the mean time...

Today I am diverting from my normal procedure of revealing the Truth behind a secret of the Universe. Sorry, no revelations today! Why, you ask? And what the heck else could this goof talk about that would be worth 3 minutes of my valuable day?

Well the thing is, I got "memed". That is to say, I have been tasked by my buddy Azzitizz over at The Totally Transparent Party, in a blatant "I-had-to-do-it-now-you-have-to-do-it-next" manner, to come up with a list of 10 cool things about the place where I live. Thanks a pantload, Azzy!

As stated in my mini-profile over on the right somewhere, I am a full-time resident of The Universe. That gives me pretty broad leeway to come up with a list, which is good - I don't have to work very hard. Heh!

So without further ado, here is
____________________________________________

Baba Doodlius' List of 10 Cool Things About the Universe

1) It's Big.

The Universe is big. Really big. It's so big that there's no way you could possibly conceive of its monstrositous biggitude.

2) It has stars. Lots of stars.

"Gojillions" is not even close to being a big enough made-up number to describe the number of stars in the Universe.

3) It's almost empty.

Despite having all those gojillions of stars and plenty of other cool stuff (see below), the Universe still consists almost entirely of empty space. That gives you some idea of just how big I'm talking about in #1 (above) when I say the Universe is "really big".

4) It's pretty organized.

For something of that ginormous extent and with such a variety of contents, the whole shebang all follows the same set of rules. You humans haven't figured out all the rules yet, but you're doing pretty well so far.

5) Gravity.

It's one of the rules I was just referring to, and a pretty neat one at that. It might suck for you humans, especially ones who want desperately to be able to dunk a basketball, but Gravity holds the whole Universe together. Like a humongous group hug.

6) Black Holes.

I did a post about these Cosmic Pac-Mans already. If you ever meet one, hope you can run pretty fast or your new name will be "Breakfast".

7) Antimatter.

There's hardly any of it around, but when any of it smacks into some regular old matter, POOF! They're both gone in a flash of light. Seriously! Just like Doug Henning!

8) Dark Matter.

You humans know it's there, but you can't figure out what it is. I may do a regular Mystery of the Universe post on this one sometime, if I feel like it.

9) The Speed Limit.

The Speed of Light. 3 hundred million meters per second. That's pretty quick, and you can't go any faster than this. Why not? That's another potential Mystery of the Universe post.

10) Life.

The universe would be pretty disappointing if it had all that other cool stuff in it and there was nobody around to enjoy it.
____________________________________________

So there you have it - The 10 coolest things about the Universe, as expounded by the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius. I could throw a few more things in there, but the spec said 10 things so I'll stick to 10 things.

Tune in next time when I reveal another Secret of the Universe!

Have a nice day!

A Spirited Defense

Howdy again. I'm about to go on a little trip with my new buddy Mr. Ghost for a couple weeks, but I had a special request to reveal the anti-ghost devices I used in preparation for my first face-to-face meeting with an entity from the other side. I didn't think anybody would be interested in this sort of mundane information, but apparently one person was. And since I aim to please, I'll fill you all in on the items I used as Ghost Defense.

Since I never met a ghost before and knew of nobody who had, my best option for research on how to defend against ghosts was to watch lots of scary movies. Therefore my inspiration for anti-spirit items comes mostly from Hollywood. Hollywood wouldn't lead me astray, would it?

So the items I brought to my interview with Mr. Ghost were:

1.

One of those backpack particle accelerators, from "Ghostbusters".

This thing didn't work. It lit up and threw a few sparks, but Mr. Ghost just laughed at it. That's what I get for buying my backpack particle accelerator from a less-than-reputable web site. Plus, I should have know that this was a bad idea - "Ghostbusters" wasn't scary at all! (Although to be honest, "Ghostbusters 2" was plenty scary, but only because it's frightening to have so many funny people in one movie and not be able to produce a single good laugh in the whole damn thing, fer cryin' out loud.)

2.

Shark cage. This was from one of the scariest movies I ever saw, "Jaws". It didn't work in the movie, and it just caused Mr. Ghost to look at me funny when he saw me sitting in it.

3.

Ripley's big walking thing with the giant hands, from another really scary movie, "Aliens". Mr. Ghost wasn't intimidated by this, but he did seem impressed that I actually found one of these that really worked. It was hard fitting into the shark cage while I was wearing it, though.

So the lesson of these last two items was that I needed to find items that were not only used in scary movies but also that were in used scary movies that involved the undead. Which brings me to...

4.

Chainsaw. A veritable must-have for all modern-day undead fighters. Check it out in "Evil Dead 2", an absolute Classic of American Cinema. Unfortunately chainsaws work best against zombies, and ghosts more or less ignore them. But Mr. Ghost gave me props for at least getting back on the right track.

5.


That cute little old lady from "Poltergeist". Sadly, she wasn't available, but I brought her picture along anyway because she was so cool in that movie. Mr. Ghost, by the way, agreed - she was cool. He wasn't scared of the picture, but he was glad I brought it along just for stirring up some happy ghost memories.

So none of these items were worth a darn for keeping a ghost at bay. Fortunately for me, Mr. Ghost is a pretty laid back kinda ghost, and really didn't want to disembowel me or otherwise do me bodily harm, so I really didn't need to bring along any defense paraphernalia.

Oh, except I unfortunately did make use of one thing I brought along :

6.

But you really, really don't want to know the details. Suffice it to say that Mr. Ghost can be pretty darn scary when he wants to be.

--------------------------

I'll be back to reveal more Secrets of the Universe in a couple weeks!

Scary Business

Ever get a strange chill down your spine? Ever heard something go bump in the night? Today's entry in the Truth-revealing business is:

GHOSTS!

Instead of beating around the bush for a paragraph or two, I'll say it right up front: Ghosts are absolutely real. Up to now, this blog has been rather impersonal, with me just showing pictures and telling you stuff. Today I thought that it would be more interesting if I were to get more personal, and let you get some insight on the subject from someone with first-hand knowledge. So I went out and found a ghost, and convinced him to do an interview. So without further ado, I'd like to present

Baba Doodlius'

Interview with the Ghost!

Mr Ghost floating through the garden

Baba Doodlius: Good evening Mr. Ghost, and thanks for agreeing to do this interview. Actually, and I'm sorry if this offends you, but I can't tell if it's "Mr. Ghost" or "Ms. Ghost"...

Ghost: No offense taken, I actually get that all the time. You got it right, it's "Mr. Ghost", not that it really matters anymore.

BD: Why doesn't it matter?

G: I'm a ghost, dude, you can't have sex when you don't have a body. So it doesn't really matter if it's Mr. or Ms. Ghost, but technically I was a guy before so it would be "Mr."

BD: Ghosts can't have sex? Wow, that really bites. Is that the worst thing about being dead?

G: Come on, Baba, please don't use the "D" word. It's bad enough being dead without people reminding me of it all the time.

BD: Oh, sorry, I never thought that before. I'll rephrase the question: Is the "no sex" thing the worst part about being non-corporeal?

G: Yeah, that's probably the absolute worst part. I do miss some physical things like that - having sex, eating steak, drinking beer...

BD: Wow, no beer, bummer. So is there anything good about being a ghost?

G: Oh, sure, tons of stuff is good - in the first place, you save a buttload of money on travel expenses. I can go wherever I want for free - no gas money, no airfare, and I stay wherever I want, all for free! And no waiting in security lines! If I wanted to go to Tahiti right now, I'd just zap on over there! I'm pure energy, I travel at the speed of light! I can take a day trip to Tahiti! Hell, I could take a day trip to Mars. Actually, I've been there, and I can tell you that NASA is wasting their time - plenty of sand but no good beaches.

Mr. Ghost Travel Photos

Tahiti

Mars

BD: The speed of light, eh? Sounds pretty sweet. So if you wanted to go to Alpha Centauri...

G: Well I could go if I wanted to, but that's quite a trip so I don't generally go that far. It would take a year to get there, and to make it worth my while I'd probably spend at least a year there, and then it would take a year to get back. So I'd miss three seasons of "So You Think You Can Dance".

BD: You watch TV?

G: Of course I watch TV, everybody watches TV. Just because you're a ghost doesn't mean you can't veg out in front of the tube.

BD: What's your favorite show?

G: Sitcoms, mostly. I usta watch soaps, but they haven't had a really compelling story line since Luke and Laura.

BD: What do you do when you're not watching TV or travelling?

G: Oh, anything I want. Well, anything except sex and eating, but we've already covered that. I enjoy swimming, skydiving, surfing the web. I read your blog about Ghost Poo, by the way, and I'd like to thank you for not trying to pin that on me. People are always blaming Ghost Poo on me, and I get really tired of it.

Mr. Ghost swimming


BD: You're welcome, but my blog is for revealing the Truth, and I knew it wasn't you causing all that poo to vanish so I couldn't in good conscience tell the readers, all three of them, incorrect information. Anything else you enjoy?

G: Well, I'm a ghost, so I do the occasional haunting. We all do, it's in the manual.

BD: Who do you haunt?

G: Anybody I want to, really. If I see someone who needs to be taken down a peg, I'll give 'em a little scare. I haunted the heck out of the guy who cancelled "Charles in Charge".

BD: Who have you haunted recently?

G: Dick Cheney. Almost shorted out his pacemaker, too! You shoulda seen his face! I almost laughed my sheet off!

BD: I'd sure like to see a picture of that!

G: Sorry, that one's classified.

BD: Darn. Anyway, that brings me to my last question before I let you resume your travels - why the sheet? Why do ghosts wear those sheets all the time?

G: Oh, they're awfully comfortable! I don't have a body, so it doesn't matter what I look like, and these things are just so flowy and convenient! Plus it saves tons of wardrobe planning - I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear for the day, I just grab the next sheet out of the closet and I'm done!

BD: Thanks for your time, Mr. Ghost.

G: My Pleasure, Baba. And one last thing... BOO!

BD: AAAAAAAAGH!

G: Sorry, couldn't resist. Old habit, you know.

BD: That's OK. Have a nice day!