post-foo The Thoughts and Sayings Of Baba Doodlius: You have Questions? I have answers!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

You have Questions? I have answers!

Howdy all you speedy skaters slapping the Puck of Knowledge into the Goal of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

  • Today's intro brought to you by the National Hockey League and their championship trophy the Stanley Cup, which is about to be won by the Detroit Red Wings, who I am pretty sure win it every year so this should not be a surprise to anybody.

Today I'm doing something a little different. I was actually asked a bunch of questions by Azzitizz over at "The Totally Transparent Party" (also known as "Azzy's Blog-a-Roonie" because Azzy can call her blog whatever she darned well wants to call it, thank you very much). Since I get from you readers very few Mysteries of the Universe to Reveal, I figured I'd take this opportunity to add this as a feature to this blog to encourage you shy folks to ask any questions you may have. I now present to you the

Baba Doodlius Reader Mailbag!

All of the questions today are, as I said, from Azzitizz, or more accurately from Azzy's little sister "Lil'Sis" (which is a highly appropriate name for one's little sister in the opinion of the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius).

Question Number One:

This is actually a bunch of questions linked together, so I'll just quote Lil'Sis directly and get to the answers and commentary afterwards:

"How come almost every animal on the planet can swim by just nature and instinct, yet we humans have to be taught?
New born babies seem to manage just fine without lessons!
Is it because we are told we can't swim as we get a little older and therefore believe we can't until we have lessons?
Does that mean we shouldn't believe what we are told about anything? In which case, take for example, The Law of Gravity. The Law of Gravity must be so, as nobody can tell an apple or a leaf whether or not to fall to the ground. But, if we decide not to believe it, will we be able to float or fly?"

Well that's some serious questioning, Lil'Sis. I'd first like to say that you have a brilliant future in Philosophy, assuming you don't decide to test your "Belief in Gravity" theory and jump off a building first.

This is a cartoon by John Callahan. You should immediately go buy all of his books.

But now on to your questions. As you pointed out, humans can actually swim just fine as infants without being told how to do it. The problem with humans is that they have this innate drive, as powerful as the need for food, shelter, and sex, to be right about everything and to be better than everybody else at everything. Lil'Sis has hit on the basic Truth of Human Existence, which controls every aspect of human society, from religion to politics to the aforementioned Stanley Cup: Humans Have to Fight About Stuff.

It starts early, and with the simple things, like swimming:

"Look here, that swimming you're doing, it's all wrong! You can't just paddle around until you get to shore, you have to move your hands like THIS, and kick your feet THIS WAY, and then you'll go FASTER and you'll be DOING IT RIGHT!"

And things get worse from there:

"Watch this, I can kick this spherical air-filled bladder into that net over there BETTER THAN YOU! In fact, me and my ten friends are the BEST IN THE WHOLE WORLD at this activity!"

"Your economic system is NOT OPTIMIZED at all! You should be running your economy THIS WAY or I shall SCOFF AT YOU and ADVOCATE YOUR TOTAL DESTRUCTION!"

"Those rituals you are performing to please your god(s), they're all wrong! You've got to do things THIS WAY, which is the only CORRECT way to do it, and if you don't do things the CORRECT WAY I'll just have to SUBJUGATE YOU and FORCE YOU TO DO IT RIGHT."

So you see, swimming instruction is just the symptom of this excessive human competitive behavior. It has nothing to do with belief, so please don't go stepping off any high cliffs to test your Gravity theory, please.

Question Number Two:

"When the sunlight is so bright it hurts your eyes, how come it doesn't hurt anymore if you shut just one eye?"

Uh, hmmm, well, to that I'd just have to reply that I have not had this experience. I generally don't make a habit of staring directly at the sun, Lil'Sis, because that sort of activity can be harmful to your health. To answer the question, I will have to defer to the expertise of Sigmund Freud, who postulated the Theory of Eyeball Denial. The theory goes like this:

"Pain coming from both eyes cannot be ignored because it has no source of counter-sensation. However, if input from one of the eyes is eliminated, the Ego has the capability of denying the pain because it is not reinforced by an alternate pathway, and thus can pretend that the pain does not exist. All of this, naturally, is proof of the desire to have sex with one's mother."

So there you go, Lil'Sis. You can't argue with the Father of Modern Psychoanalysis. Well, except maybe about the "sex with your mother" part, which is just creepy and disturbing.

Question Number Three:

"How come men have nipples? Why hasn't evolution eliminated them by now as they are of no use whatsoever?"

This one is also somewhat foreign to me, Lil'Sis, seening as how I am a bird, and birds of both genders lack nipples. But I happen to know the answer to this one offhand, because I have done extensive research on human nipples (don't even ask why, there are some Secrets of the Universe that I won't reveal).

The reason for human male nipplage is based in the very evolutionary theory that you have already referenced. Rather than eliminating man nipples because they are unecessary, evolution has preserved them because it simplifies the manufacturing process. Think about it: Human babies all look pretty much the same. When you're making two things that are nearly identical, you don't waste effort retooling the assembly line just for a cosmetic difference, you save your effort for the pieces that make a difference.

Charles Darwin himself alluded to this evolutionary fact when he said:

"Oh yeah, baby, that feels soooo good! YES! Oh yeah, put the clamps right there and... OOOHHHH!!!"

What a freakazoid.

That about wraps up this edition of Baba Doodlius' Reader Mailbag. I hope you come away from this experience enriched, edfied, and entertained. And have a nice day!


cathy said...

Well I have once again been treated to a stunning accumulation of information by the all knowwing Babadoodlius! Wow!

But can you tell us ladies why it is easier to apply mascara with our mouths open?

Gorilla Bananas said...

There's no need to make up quotes from Charles Darwin to prove your point - everyone knows he was a butt plug guy. If men didn't have nipples the sex change operation wouldn't work for trannies.

i beati said...

Well this is freakier than usual . I just read Azzy's blogoroonie and cybered myself over to Birdland and poof there were the answers. I'm watching you two !! sk

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Hmmm. After being exposed to such wise answers, there is only one thing left that I would like to know; "If Freud and Darwin wrestled in Jello- who would win?"

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahahaha. Just wanted you to know that I do in fact work for the IRS! Bwhahahahahahaha. Have a great day. :)

Poetikat said...

Hey Dood! Related to the bright sun question: Can you tell me why everytime we step out of an indoor space into the blinding sunlight, my husband sneezes? He says it's the sun. I say, "Do you see anybody else doing it?" Baba, we need you to solve this one, once and for all!

Also, can you give me the real explanation for the Giant's Causeway in Norther Ireland? They maintain it's some volcanic-related thing, but I bet there's more to it than that!

Thanks! Kat

Baba Doodlius said...

Cathy: Thank you very much! I'll add your interesting question to the list of reader queries that need additional research!

Gorilla: Apparently you don't know Darwin as well as you thought - that is a 100% real, true, accurate quote. Darwin may well have been a "butt plug guy", but he was into all sorts of other stuff as well. There's a reason he named his ship the "Beagle".

I Beati: Oooh, that *is* freaky! We like to cross-pollinate our blogs around here.

Squirrel: An excellent question! I will add that to the reader query pile and get back to you on that.

Sandee: Uh, well, that is to say, umm... I was kidding! Just kidding! Ha, ha! Little joke there!

Baba Doodlius said...

Poetikat: Ah, the ol' sneezy-sun thing! I'll add that to the suddenly-growing list of reader questions. And I'll do some research on the Giant's Causeway as well, since you asked.

AZZITIZZ said...

Hey Doody, Oh great and wonderous one, he of the handsome emerald plumage.

Thankyou for your wise answers to our humble human questions.

I shall pass on your wisdom to Lil'Sis, no doubt she will then come up with some other weird and wonderful questions.

I bow to your wisdom, I kneel in the shade of your great knowledge.
'All hail Baba Doodlius!'


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Those are three rather unique questions, Mr. Bird. I am so glad that you answered. Otherwise I would have wondered about the answers for at least 30 seconds.

Lydia said...

Hello Baba doodlius, I'm always entertained and amused by your posts. Thank's for sharing these unique and funny questions! Have a great afternoon!

The Topiary Cow said...

Cow is now "enriched, edfied, and entertained" by the all-encompassing knowledge shown by BabaD.

Cow, for one, will never look at men's nipples in the same way.


Baba Doodlius said...

Azzy: Thank Lil'Sis for the interesting questions for me, OK?

Nick: Glad I could save a good 30 seconds of your life for you!

Lydia: Glad I could be of service!

Cow: I was not aware that Topiary Cows look at man nipples to begin with. See? I learned something today too!

InnerNinja said...

i don't remember that quote from charles darwin, but the evolution of species now makes sense to me! and to think i once tried to read all 800 pages!

Marja said...

Wow Baba i do feel enriched. The answer to question one also answers for me why positive reinforcement is such a hard thing to learn for people
Yes the denial theory is not only there to protect the ego but also the eye
Oh and the 3rd one is brilliant Yes Keep it simple
You are one wise bird

Delirious said...

I thought males had nipples so that when brothers get mad at each other they have something to twist.....or was that just my brothers?

The Topiary Cow said...

(Cow quickly averting her gaze from male nipples) Oh. You're right. We don't.

Cow has cogitated long about BabaD's latest Mysterical revelations, and decided:

Everything Life Mistake made has been due to not getting the Puck of Knowledge into the Goal of Truth.

So, now she knows. Aha.


Baba Doodlius said...

Ninja: I think it was fro one of Darwin's lesser-known works "The Orgasms of Species".

Marja: Always happy to be of service!

Delirious: No, the dreaded "titty twister" and the infamous "purple nurple" are just side effects of male nipplage, not causations.

Cow: Yes, well, the trick is getting by the Defensemen of Misinformation and then avoiding the Goalie of Obfuscation.

Eddie Waring said...

From the diary of Captain FitzRoy:

May 2nd, 1836
Of all the fantastic and incredible sights that I have witnessed on this voyage, non can compare to the one that greeted me as I awoke this morning. For the first time since leaving Plymouth I had the misfortune to see Darwin naked. The man has nipples which resemble the thumbs of a blind cobbler. I am loathe to admit, but admit I must that I found myself aroused in my trouser region.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

So that explains why I cannot swim. I am just not competitive enough.... I cannot even float. I prefer the confines of a bathtub.

Baba Doodlius said...

Eddie: Yes, well, it is a historical fact that Darwin had some seriously prodigious nipples.

Linda: Oh well. Swimming isn't everything. Just enjoy the laid-back non-competitive lifestyle!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Male nipples? I don't know. I also have noticed that some men have a bigger rack than some women. Just saying. Bwahahahahahahah. Have a great day. :)

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

QUESTION: Where are you, Bird? I miss you.

jamerson-rising said...

Good answer makes more sense then that old joke them being male pacifiers yeow Hee And stonehenge now that's amazing. Have a good day now

SlogBite said...

I just thought of another category that I would consider creating: "Answers". What do you think.