post-foo The Thoughts and Sayings Of Baba Doodlius: June 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Many people's favorite mystery

Hi there folks. Baba Doodlius here once again to reveal another Secret of the Universe. This one is a good ol' fashioned creature feature, the real story of


Yes, that huge, mysterious, long-necked creature of the depths of one of Scotland's great lochs. Reports of this critter's antics have spread throughout the globe. Many have even taken photographs of 'Nessie', showing the rough appearance of a prehistoric beast:

Today, through the unimaginable power of Baba Doodlius, the real Secret of the Loch Ness Monster will be revealed!

I managed to enhance this photo, using technology not available to even the most sophisticated earthly spy agencies. I zoomed in, depixellated the rough spots to bring out detail, and even reproduced the original color scheme. What I discovered may shock and amaze you:

<- click for larger view

It's a guy in a kilt practicing for a new Highland Games event, the Aquatic Caber Toss!

So there you have it, the Loch Ness Monster is actually a big Scot carrying a tree.

That's another Secret of the Universe revealed by Baba Doodlius!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Time Travel 101

Howdy again folks. Time for the Great Baba Doodlius to reveal another Secret of the Universe!

Many people have expressed interest in today's topic. Well, nobody has specifically asked about it, because exactly nobody reads this blog, but considering how many books and movies have been made on the topic I'd have to assume that plenty of people are interested. So here we go with the secret of


There is an amazing device that is known to many humans, but all of its properties have not been thoroughly explored. The device is called a "Kinetic Entropy Gyrometer" ("K.E.G."), and it has been used for decades by many humans, especially fraternity members, for dispensing liquids. However, unknown to the human race, the device imparts Temporal Motive Force to its contents, allowing movement through time!

My experiments with the K.E.G. used a substance commonly available on earth known as "beer". The experiment went as follows:

1) Infuse K.E.G with experimental substance, "beer".
2) Energize the K.E.G. by reducing ambient temperature.
3) Operate K.E.G. using control mechanism, the "Temporal Actuation Processor" ("T.A.P."), to dispense experimental substance
4) Consume experimental substance

After iterating steps 3 and 4 approximately 19 times (I somehow lost the ability to take notes somewhere around the 13th iteration), my environment faded to black. As it returned to its normal appearance, I checked my chronometer and verified that it was now 12 hours in the future! Time Travel had been achieved!

Similar results were obtained with other experimental substances such as wine, vodka, and tequila, but side effects varied tremendously between substances, some of which were highly unpleasant.

Chalk up another Secret of the Universe to Baba Doodlius!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

This one is Really Important

OK folks, enough messing around. Today's Secret of the Universe is of paramount importance to life as we know it. Of course I'm talking about the number one issue of our time,


Yes, Global Warming is real. It's happening right now, as I type this. Right outside your window the Earth is getting hotter. This really shouldn't even be a question anymore, the signs are blatantly obvious. I mean really, who could possibly be oblivious to the fact that daytime average temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere have risen over 30 degrees Fahrenheit over just the past six months! Who wouldn't be startled by that statistic? C'mon folks, wake up and smell the scalding hot coffee!

Now that that's settled, the next question is what can we do to save ourselves? The only answer is: Move. Yes, just like when you puked in the hallway of that apartment a few years ago and never could get rid of the smell, the only thing you can do now is just pack up and move. The time is now to plow all your money and effort into NASA and other space-related ventures so you can just get the heck off this screwed-up, overheated, puke-smelling planet.

Hurry up people! The clock is ticking!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Revealing a secret

OK, I think I've kept all of you blog readers (all 3 of you) waiting long enough to get some serious secrets revealed. So today I'm going to reveal a serious secret. So without further ado, here it is:

Richard Gere does not actually put gerbils in his rear end.

I know, you think I am just kidding. "Everybody knows that Richard Gere puts gerbils in his rear end" you say. But no! He actually doesn't. In fact, *nobody* really does this. Gerbils have sharp teeth and claws and are instinctive (and effective) diggers, and if one actually got into a person's rear end it would naturally start trying to dig and chew its way out. This would inevitably result *not* in any sexual pleasure in the insertee, but rather in a level of internal bleeding that one would be hard pressed to survive. Eventually the gerbil recipient, if he were to in fact live very long, would require extensive surgery to remove the gerbil-damaged part of his descending colon.

So it is clear that since Richard Gere is still alive and has *not* had extesive anal surgery (that's a bonus secret revealed), the point is therefore proved that he does not put gerbils in his rear end. Plus his acting ability is rather overrated (*another* bonus secret - no extra charge).

Tune in next time when more Secrets of the Universe will be revealed!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Here are the secrets. But first a word from our sponsor.

Howdy all you humans. I am Baba Doodlius, and I am here to reveal all the secrets of the Universe. But first a word from our sponsor:

Buy Birdy Bites, the best bird food for your fabulous feathered friends! Gives them energy, keeps the feathers healthy and shiny, and contains absolutely No Cholesterol! Birdy Bites - ask for them by name - your birds will!

And now, without furhter ado, I'll move on to revealing some secrets of the Universe.

Secret #1: Birds are cool.

Now you know the first and most important secret of the Universe. Even though you may think that this secret was not really so much of a secret, you'd be surprised to know that many humans have until now been totally unaware of the major cooliosity of birds. Really! I know, some people just aren't very observant! But I just took care of that, so in the future everybody will know.

OK, so that one wasn't exactly superstring theory or a how-to on time travel, but hey, I had to start somewhere. Look for even bigger secrets to be revealed in future installments! (For you folks out there who already know about time travel, tell your friends that I'm not kidding!)

Have a nice day!