post-foo The Thoughts and Sayings Of Baba Doodlius: More good questions, more honest answers

Thursday, October 9, 2008

More good questions, more honest answers

Hello all you _______ of Curiosity, ________ing on the ________ of Knowledge, overcoming the _________ of Obfuscation, getting to the ____________ of Truth!

  • Creative exercise for the reader: Fill in the blanks in the above sentence. I can't wait to see what some of you come up with. Yes, this means you, Mooooog35. Wait - actually on second thought, please don't fill in the blanks. >Shudder<

Once again I welcome you to another fascinating edition of the

Baba Doodlius Reader Mailbag

I have two open items left in the queue, so once again I shall endeavor to enlighten all you curious readers and dazzle you with my astonishing breadth of knowledge. When you have questions, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius has answers! So let's get right to it, shall we?

    Question #1)

    This one comes from Alex the Cat, the owner of Sometimes Saintly Nick (who, for anyone who regularly reads his blog, appears to be saintly much more often than not).

    • As an aside, it's nice to know that I have a few readers that reside outside the human wing of the Animal Kingdom (and even some representation from the Plants - I'm looking at you, Topiary Cow!) No protozoans as of yet.
    Anyway, Alex asked me the following question several weeks ago, verbatim:

    "Why doded hoominz takez baffz in nassy water? Why dunt dey jist lick dem selfz cleanz like kitty catz doz?"

    Well, thank you for asking such a good question, Alex! Nice kitty! Now stop chewing on Nick's nose hose while you read the answer, please - Nick has to breathe occasionally.

    Why do humans bathe in water rather than lick themselves clean? The answer is in two parts:

    1) First of all, it is a well-known fact of human nature that these curious beings require an outlet for self-expression. If you want proof of this, simply check the number of blogs out there - I think there are now about 36 blogs for every human on the planet. They can't stop! They are just compelled to express themselves!

    And what better place to express yourself than when you are enjoying a nice, hot shower (or a bath, whichever you prefer)? What do humans do for self-expression in the shower? All you humans out there, say it with me: They sing! Mostly they sing poorly, but that's not the point! The point is that they make use of that valuable bath time to sing their bloody lungs out!

    I don't know if you've tried this, Alex, but it's darned difficult to sing while you're licking yourself. I mean really, your mouth parts are otherwise occupied, and it's rather difficult to remember any song lyrics when your tongue is traipsing through your nether regions. This, of course, brings us to the second reason why humans take baths instead of licking themselves clean, which is:

    2) Evolution. Early humans were split into two distinct groups, the "water-bathers" and the "lick-yourself-cleaners". The "water-bathers" not only got plenty clean, but also were able to satisfy their primal need for self-expression, and they became very productive creatures, eventually settling down to become the (mostly) civilized folks you know today.

    The "lick-yourself-cleaners", on the other hand, discovered that they could satisfy one of their primal needs, but self expression wasn't it. In fact, they were so engrossed in their ability to mouth their own groins that they just did it all the time and got nothing else done. (In the immortal words of the late, great George Carlin, "If I could reach I'd never leave the house!") Focusing so intently on that one activity made them easy prey for all manner of predators, and the whole lot of them became extinct.

    So all that's left now are the "water-bathers", Alex. Cats, by the way, obviously have a little more self control than did the "lick-yourself-clean" early humans.

    Question #2)

    New commenter Annie T (aka Agnes Mildew - although I can't think of a reason why someone would intentionally refer to herself as "Mildew" - unless that's her real name, in which case I wholeheartedly apologize for insulting your real name, Ms. Mildew) asks the following question (paraphrased):

    "Why does sour cream have a sell-by date?"

    That is an excellent question, Annie. What are the the sell-by date people concerned about? Do they think sour cream will get sourer? How much sourer can sour cream get?

    The answer is that they are not really concerned about the increasing coefficient of sourness of your sour cream at all. Their concern is for the safety of you, your family, and your entire community - possibly even the entire world!

    Allow me to recount to you the story of Sour Cream:

    Sour cream is not actually named for its flavor, but rather its attitude. You may have heard the term "sourpuss", referring to someone of nasty disposition. This word was coined based upon interaction with a particularly surly batch of sour cream. Let me tell you, it was quite abrasive indeed! It insulted everyone within hearing distance, hurling invective that would make a whole bar full of sailors and prostitutes blush bright crimson! As it was impossible to let such a nincompoop remain out in public, its makers stuck it in the refrigerator and promptly forgot about it. This act of persecution made the sour cream even nastier, and it began trashing the fridge and eating all the contents therein:

    I'll bet you didn't know that sour cream ate cheese and apples, huh?

    As it ate, it grew, and grew, and grew, until it could no longer be contained by its imprisoning appliance. Upon gaining its freedom, it sought to find its jailers and take its revenge upon them. Several people were wounded by the sour beast before it was destroyed by local police.

    The SWAT Team moves in on the Sour Cream Beast

    Luckily nobody was killed, but scientists determined that if the sour cream had been allowed to continue eating it would have reached gigantic proportions and posed a threat to world peace, just like The Blob!

    So you see, Annie, you can't just leave sour cream hanging around for extended periods of time. Obey the sell-by date! Old sour cream must be destroyed! For the sake of the planet, IT MUST BE DESTROYED!

    This concludes another episode of the Baba Doodlius Reader Mailbag. Everybody have a nice day!


    Poetikat said...

    I think singing in the shower is fun! You're right though - it's tough to sing and lick yourself clean at the same time. Then again, when I put my cat in the shower he's happy to serenade me with opera and forget all about getting clean.

    Oh, I think you're confusing sour cream with the blanc mange from Monty Python (and didn't they invent "sell-by dates")?


    Gorilla Bananas said...

    You could always ask your cat to lick you clean while you sing. He may do it if you offer him a fishy snack.

    Sandy Kessler said...

    omg I never knew - that bulbous thing is my sour cream - no wonder I've lost some kittens!!!

    The Topiary Cow said...

    Thank goodness Sour Cream Blog was stopped in time!

    As for questions:

    Hello all you Young Beautiful Topiary Shrublets of Curiosity, swaying on the Breeze of Knowledge, overcoming the Unenlightened Hedge Clippers of Obfuscation, getting to the Tao of Land of Topiary Truth!

    Topiary rests, thanking Baba for the opportunity to play Fill In The Blank, a charming and curious activity!


    Beach Bum said...

    I must admit to some confusion to which of the two human groups I belong. I do like to take showers and be clean but I must admit that I do get some self-expression to licking my wife clean, especially when she applies a tasty joy jelly to certain parts of her body.

    Lydia said...

    Hello Baba Doodlious,
    Hope all has been going well in your neck of the woods. Thank you for sharing these interesting discoveries of yours. Your blog is always a joy to read.
    Wishing you a pleasant day,

    Baba Doodlius said...

    Poetikat: Cats, opera, and blancmanges. Interesting observation there about the blancmange, but my story was clearly about sour cream, as blancmange would not be caught dead in a tub labelled "sour cream". Plus, there's nothing alien about sour cream - purely terrestrial in origin.

    Gorilla: The problem with this idea is that Im not entirely certain that being licked by a cat counts as being cleaned. Have you smelled a cat's breath lately?

    Sandy: Sorry to hear about your kittens. By all means keep them away from the fridge!

    Cow: Very nicely done fill-in-the-blank! You're fairly safe, by the way - sour cream vastly prefers an all-meat diet.

    Beach bum: Joy jelly. Oh-kaaaaay. I, uh, am very happy to hear that you and your wife have defied the laws of evolution in this matter. Enjoy!

    SlogBite said...

    Hi Baba,

    I always thought that there something hideous lurking beneath the surface of sour cream. Thank you for verifying this for me.

    Now get your green bird rump over to SlogBite and join in the Humor category. You are already flying the SB badge.

    Sandy Kessler said...

    Hello all you purveyors_______ of Curiosity, _teetering_______ing on the brink________ of Knowledge, overcoming the __audacity_______ of Obfuscation, getting to the ___bowels _________ of Truth!

    Annie T said...

    Wow. I am speechless. So, I will no longer allow my fridge to become The British Museum and ensure that I abide by all sell-by dates.

    I really am in your awe.

    'Mildew' is purely my favourite smell...

    Baba Doodlius said...

    Slogbite: OK Mel, I'm all slogged up over at your new site!

    Sandy: Truly, nothing contains more truth than one's bowels!

    Annie: But of course, there's something to be said for having the fridge resemble the British Museum. I have aome leftovers in there right now that look kinda like the Rosetta Stone.

    Annie T AKA Agnes Mildew said...

    A question which permanently confounds me. Why do houseflies fly in an 'angular' way under a ceiling light bulb rather than in spirals? I can watch them least ten seconds without getting bored.

    Thank you.

    odd facts said...

    So that's why I take showers!

    Baba Doodlius said...

    Annie Mildew: Thanks for stopping by, Annie! I'll place that excellent question in the Reader Mailbag queue!

    Odd Facts: Glad I could be so informative!

    cathy said...

    Hello all you Craven Creatures of Curiosity, beachcombing the shifting sands of uncertain Knowledge, overcoming the chronic catacombs of Obfuscation, getting to the serendipitous serenade of splendiferous Truth!

    I knew there was a reason for my morbid fear of sour cream.

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