More good questions, more honest answers

Hello all you _______ of Curiosity, ________ing on the ________ of Knowledge, overcoming the _________ of Obfuscation, getting to the ____________ of Truth!

• Creative exercise for the reader: Fill in the blanks in the above sentence. I can't wait to see what some of you come up with. Yes, this means you, Mooooog35. Wait - actually on second thought, please don't fill in the blanks. >Shudder<

Once again I welcome you to another fascinating edition of the

Baba Doodlius Reader Mailbag

I have two open items left in the queue, so once again I shall endeavor to enlighten all you curious readers and dazzle you with my astonishing breadth of knowledge. When you have questions, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius has answers! So let's get right to it, shall we?

---

Question #1)

This one comes from Alex the Cat, the owner of Sometimes Saintly Nick (who, for anyone who regularly reads his blog, appears to be saintly much more often than not).

• As an aside, it's nice to know that I have a few readers that reside outside the human wing of the Animal Kingdom (and even some representation from the Plants - I'm looking at you, Topiary Cow!) No protozoans as of yet.

Anyway, Alex asked me the following question several weeks ago, verbatim:

"Why doded hoominz takez baffz in nassy water? Why dunt dey jist lick dem selfz cleanz like kitty catz doz?"

Well, thank you for asking such a good question, Alex! Nice kitty! Now stop chewing on Nick's nose hose while you read the answer, please - Nick has to breathe occasionally.

Why do humans bathe in water rather than lick themselves clean? The answer is in two parts:

1) First of all, it is a well-known fact of human nature that these curious beings require an outlet for self-expression. If you want proof of this, simply check the number of blogs out there - I think there are now about 36 blogs for every human on the planet. They can't stop! They are just compelled to express themselves!

And what better place to express yourself than when you are enjoying a nice, hot shower (or a bath, whichever you prefer)? What do humans do for self-expression in the shower? All you humans out there, say it with me: They sing! Mostly they sing poorly, but that's not the point! The point is that they make use of that valuable bath time to sing their bloody lungs out!

I don't know if you've tried this, Alex, but it's darned difficult to sing while you're licking yourself. I mean really, your mouth parts are otherwise occupied, and it's rather difficult to remember any song lyrics when your tongue is traipsing through your nether regions. This, of course, brings us to the second reason why humans take baths instead of licking themselves clean, which is:

2) Evolution. Early humans were split into two distinct groups, the "water-bathers" and the "lick-yourself-cleaners". The "water-bathers" not only got plenty clean, but also were able to satisfy their primal need for self-expression, and they became very productive creatures, eventually settling down to become the (mostly) civilized folks you know today.

The "lick-yourself-cleaners", on the other hand, discovered that they could satisfy one of their primal needs, but self expression wasn't it. In fact, they were so engrossed in their ability to mouth their own groins that they just did it all the time and got nothing else done. (In the immortal words of the late, great George Carlin, "If I could reach I'd never leave the house!") Focusing so intently on that one activity made them easy prey for all manner of predators, and the whole lot of them became extinct.

So all that's left now are the "water-bathers", Alex. Cats, by the way, obviously have a little more self control than did the "lick-yourself-clean" early humans.

---

Question #2)

New commenter Annie T (aka Agnes Mildew - although I can't think of a reason why someone would intentionally refer to herself as "Mildew" - unless that's her real name, in which case I wholeheartedly apologize for insulting your real name, Ms. Mildew) asks the following question (paraphrased):

"Why does sour cream have a sell-by date?"

That is an excellent question, Annie. What are the the sell-by date people concerned about? Do they think sour cream will get sourer? How much sourer can sour cream get?

The answer is that they are not really concerned about the increasing coefficient of sourness of your sour cream at all. Their concern is for the safety of you, your family, and your entire community - possibly even the entire world!


Allow me to recount to you the story of Sour Cream:

Sour cream is not actually named for its flavor, but rather its attitude. You may have heard the term "sourpuss", referring to someone of nasty disposition. This word was coined based upon interaction with a particularly surly batch of sour cream. Let me tell you, it was quite abrasive indeed! It insulted everyone within hearing distance, hurling invective that would make a whole bar full of sailors and prostitutes blush bright crimson! As it was impossible to let such a nincompoop remain out in public, its makers stuck it in the refrigerator and promptly forgot about it. This act of persecution made the sour cream even nastier, and it began trashing the fridge and eating all the contents therein:


I'll bet you didn't know that sour cream ate cheese and apples, huh?

As it ate, it grew, and grew, and grew, until it could no longer be contained by its imprisoning appliance. Upon gaining its freedom, it sought to find its jailers and take its revenge upon them. Several people were wounded by the sour beast before it was destroyed by local police.


The SWAT Team moves in on the Sour Cream Beast

Luckily nobody was killed, but scientists determined that if the sour cream had been allowed to continue eating it would have reached gigantic proportions and posed a threat to world peace, just like The Blob!

So you see, Annie, you can't just leave sour cream hanging around for extended periods of time. Obey the sell-by date! Old sour cream must be destroyed! For the sake of the planet, IT MUST BE DESTROYED!

---

This concludes another episode of the Baba Doodlius Reader Mailbag. Everybody have a nice day!