Something a little more practical

Howdy all you blog readers. (All three of you.) It's time for Baba Doodlius to reveal another Secret of the Universe! Today I'll take a step away from all the pie-in-the-sky theoretical stuff and focus on something more practical. I'm about to unlock a mystery that may save you countless hours, several doses of Prozac, and about 200 gray hairs. I am referring to the great secret of

THE CHAIN LETTER!

I'm sure you've seen a bazillion of these. You're reading this on the Internet, so you must use e-mail, and anybody who uses e-mail has received at least 327,951 copies of various chain letters. These beasts claim things like "If you don't forward this to 100 of your closest friends you will get hangnails, gout, Restless Leg Syndrome, and gingivitis." And on the plus side, "If you DO forward this to 100 of your closest friends, you will find a $1,000,000 bill on the sidewalk and Katherine Heigl and/or Matthew McConaughey will call you and ask to have sex with you."

I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, but these chain letters are not for real. Those bad things are not going to happen if you don't forward on a boatload of copies - hell, Restless Leg Syndrome isn't even a real disease, it's just something a pharmaceutical company made up so they could put out a bunch of scary, irritating TV commercials, sell you a bunch of useless pills, and rake in a few more millions (there's a bonus secret -no extra charge!). Conversely, the really good stuff similarly will not happen if you DO send out a bunch of copies. C'mon now, seriously, aim a little lower, folks - maybe Paula Poundstone or Rob Schneider will want to have sex with you, but not any A-listers.

So stop worrying! You don't have to come up with a list of 100 e-mail addresses. You don't have to compose a personalized intro. You don't have to waste one more minute of your valuable day on these chain letters. Now aren't you more relaxed already? Ahhhhh!

Have a nice day!