I love packing up some stuff and taking some days off once in a while. This business of knowing everything* can really take it out of you sometimes! A bird really needs to unwind on a tropical island now and again!
So that's what I did. I took a little trip with my new buddy Mr. Ghost to the tiny, msytical, magical island of Mukalakamika out in the middle of the ocean to let my feathers down a little, to let all my cares and woes melt into the glistening sand under my talons. Luxurating beneath the azure sky, soaking in the brilliant warming rays of the sun, I could feel all my tension rolling away like fresh, crystal-clear rainwaters flowing down yonder craggy volcanic peak through lush, verdant fields into the boundless sea.
All this bliss was the inspiration to reveal this week's Secret of the Universe. But this week the secret is a little more localized than the whole Universe - it concerns just one little planet in the Universe, namely the one you're on, the Earth. Even being so localized, this revelation may be the most important thing you will ever read anywhere and any time. The secret this week is none other than the Secret of
For countless eons, human civilization has suffered from strife after strife, war after war. Humans, it would seem, are never more creative than when devising ways to cause other humans to suffer. Rare are the times in human history when Rodney King's timeless question "Can't we all just get along?" could be answered with a resounding "Yes".
But I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, am now in possession of the Ultimate Secret of how humans can finally say "Yes, We CAN all just get along!" And that secret is:
If everybody could just take a couple weeks out of their busy schedules and take a vacation on a tropical island, the world would be at peace. Nobody could possibly think of hating their fellow man when sunbathing under a palm tree while listening to the soothing tones of a ukulele and sipping a fruity drink. The Baba Doodlius Formula for World Peace** is thus:
So what's my plan for World Peace? (And don't scoff until you hear the details.)
The Plan is to send everyone on the planet on a 2-week vacation on a tropical island within a 10-year period! (10 years sounds like a long time, but nobody said World Peace could be achieved overnight!)
OK, I know, you're saying "Baba's been smoking something". Hear me out, alright?
The following are the details of my 100% guaranteed, completely realistic and workable plan for World Peace:
- The population of the world is somewhere around 7 billion people. Spread evenly over the ten years, that would be 700 million people per year, or ~27 million every 2 weeks. That's doable. No problemo.
- The total world military expenditure is over $1 Trillion USD per year. That's a truly astonishing number. (If you lined up all those 1-dollar bills end to end, you'd have a line over 1 trillion dollars long!) Since we're talking about Peace here rather than war, we funnel this entire sum into the new World Peace Fund, which would contain $1430 USD for each of the 700 million people per year. (Yeah, that's a little thin for some islands, but with a little help from William Shatner we could get this money to go a long way! Captain Kirk wouldn't steer us wrong!)
- We send 27 million people to tropical islands all over the world every 2 weeks for 10 years.
- Tropical islands are so peace-inducing that at the end of the 10 years we will have achieved Total World Peace. It's really quite simple.
In a typical two-week period we might see the following results:
- Day 2: Palestinians and Israelis start saying "They're not really bad neighbors when you think about it".
- Day 5: RIAA decides to stop suing music downloaders.
- Day 7: Chinese government says it "doesn't really mind" if Falun Gong members do tai-chi in the park.
- Day 10: Kanye West and 50-Cent jointly plan hip-hop cover of "We Are the World".
- Day 12: Colombian drug cartels go legit. "It's only money", says former drug kingpin. "I'm going to open an art gallery."
- Day 14: Osama bin Laden and George W. Bush seen dry humping under palm trees.
So that's the plan. Everybody get right to work now, calling and/or writing your local government officials to get the ball rolling. The Earth and its citizens are overdue for some peace!***
* See disclaimer in blog header text
** "Baba Doodlius Fund for World Peace" and "BDFWP" Copyright 2007, Baba Doodlius, all rights reserved
*** Just between you, me, and the wall, we all know that everything in this post is complete and utter bullsh*t. ( C'mon, Kanye West and 50-Cent burying the hatchet? Never happen.). But a bird can dream, can't he?