Cold Hard Facts: OK, Finally

OK folks, I promised that I wouldn't get the darned Mysteries wrong, and then I got it wrong again yesterday. But today I got it right - I checked everything with the Ultimate Authority*, who said that I didn't screw anything up this time, and that's as good a guarantee as you will ever find on this planet.

So without further ado, I'd like to get to my Revelation of this week's Mystery of the Universe, the Truth behind the Secret of


The Abominable Snowman!





The Abominable Snowman, or "Yeti", is said to be a powerful, fearsome ape-like beast that resides in the perfmafrost of the Himalayan Mountains in central Asia. This creature has terrorized the indigenous inhabitants of that region for the past several hundred years. Leading a lonely, solitary existence (except for raiding the ocasional village to carry away a few small children), this brute is seldom seen by human eyes.

Aside from invoking all that terror, the Abominable Snowman is so ingrained in our cultural consciousness that we regularly invoke it for our own entertianment:


The Abominable Snowman terrorizes Peter Cushing


The Abominable Snowman terrorizes Bugs Bunny


The Abominable Snowman terrorizes Yukon Cornelius

With all the fuss over this beast, what evidence is there that it actually exists?

1) First of all, (and very similar to Bigfoot accounts), the Abominable Snowman reportedly leaves large footprints all over its natural habitat:


Yep, looks rather like a Bigfoot footprint, but in the snow

2) Also, a group of Nepalese monks have an artifact that they claim is a scalp from one of these creatures:


I did not make this up - this thing is in a monastery in Nepal. Seriously, Google it for yourself!

3) Naturally, there are also scads of eyewitness accounts.


I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, set forth on an expedition to the frigid wastes of the Himalayas, to examine all this evidence and get to the bottom of this Mystery once and for all. So what did I make of all the evidence?

1) Footprint? Fake. C'mon now, all that snow and there was just ONE FOOTPRINT?. They have to do better than that. Sheesh!

2) The scalp isn't a scalp at all, but rather a pelt from a goat's ass. And it still smells like one.

3) So what of the eyewitness accounts? These are harder to dismiss, because they go back for generations and are not consistent in their details over that time.

But oddly enough, I did notice that over the past 30 years or so, the descriptions of the beast have been consistent - they detail the creature as being approximately man sized, with oddly shaped feet and covered with white hair. I decided that I must look for this creature myself in order to evaluate these recent claims.

• [On a side note, you folks should be thanking me for doing this investigation so you don't have to. Why? Because it's EFFIN COLD in the remote Himalayan wilderness. I about froze my feathered ass off for you folks. I hope you appreciate it.]

So what did I find out on the freezing, oxygen-starved heights of the Top of the World? I discovered that

There really is an Abominable Snowman!

After days of searching, I located a super-secret hidden cave, and venturing inside I caught my first glimpse of the terrifying creature, the bulbous body, the, uh, round feet, and those terrible, uh, big, blue eyes...



Blue eyes?

I hid and waited for a few minutes, and what I saw was astonishing!



It was the Pillsbury Dough Boy! In a fur coat!

So at this point you are saying, "But you said it was man-sized, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy is only 6 inches tall." Well, that's a common misconception. The Pillsbury Dough Boy is actually 6'4" - on his old commercials they used special camera effects, sorta like they used to make the Hobbits look tiny in the "Lord of the Rings" movies, to make him appear so small (that's a bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge).

Now you're saying "What the heck is the Pillsbury Dough Boy doing in a cave in the Himalayas?" I can only speculate on that based on my observations: when he finally saw that I was watching him, he threw on his coat and fled into the snow, screaming

"Not the belly! DON'T POKE MY BELLY!!!"

So I have concluded that all those years of getting poked in the belly finally drove him insane (wouldn't it do the same to you?), so he took off to Nepal to become a recluse. Now he lives happily alone, far from all those giggling children, poking fingers, and hot ovens. I'll put this Mystery in the "Solved" column!

All this investigating has made me hungry. I think I'll go bake some moist, flaky biscuits and crescent rolls! Yummy!



* In case you were wondering, the Ultimate Authority is Mrs. Doodlius. That's another bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge.