Howdy again. I'm about to go on a little trip with my new buddy Mr. Ghost for a couple weeks, but I had a special request to reveal the anti-ghost devices I used in preparation for my first face-to-face meeting with an entity from the other side. I didn't think anybody would be interested in this sort of mundane information, but apparently one person was. And since I aim to please, I'll fill you all in on the items I used as Ghost Defense.
Since I never met a ghost before and knew of nobody who had, my best option for research on how to defend against ghosts was to watch lots of scary movies. Therefore my inspiration for anti-spirit items comes mostly from Hollywood. Hollywood wouldn't lead me astray, would it?
So the items I brought to my interview with Mr. Ghost were:
1.
One of those backpack particle accelerators, from "Ghostbusters".
This thing didn't work. It lit up and threw a few sparks, but Mr. Ghost just laughed at it. That's what I get for buying my backpack particle accelerator from a less-than-reputable web site. Plus, I should have know that this was a bad idea - "Ghostbusters" wasn't scary at all! (Although to be honest, "Ghostbusters 2" was plenty scary, but only because it's frightening to have so many funny people in one movie and not be able to produce a single good laugh in the whole damn thing, fer cryin' out loud.)
2.
Shark cage. This was from one of the scariest movies I ever saw, "Jaws". It didn't work in the movie, and it just caused Mr. Ghost to look at me funny when he saw me sitting in it.
3.
Ripley's big walking thing with the giant hands, from another really scary movie, "Aliens". Mr. Ghost wasn't intimidated by this, but he did seem impressed that I actually found one of these that really worked. It was hard fitting into the shark cage while I was wearing it, though.
So the lesson of these last two items was that I needed to find items that were not only used in scary movies but also that were in used scary movies that involved the undead. Which brings me to...
4.
Chainsaw. A veritable must-have for all modern-day undead fighters. Check it out in "Evil Dead 2", an absolute Classic of American Cinema. Unfortunately chainsaws work best against zombies, and ghosts more or less ignore them. But Mr. Ghost gave me props for at least getting back on the right track.
5.
That cute little old lady from "Poltergeist". Sadly, she wasn't available, but I brought her picture along anyway because she was so cool in that movie. Mr. Ghost, by the way, agreed - she was cool. He wasn't scared of the picture, but he was glad I brought it along just for stirring up some happy ghost memories.
So none of these items were worth a darn for keeping a ghost at bay. Fortunately for me, Mr. Ghost is a pretty laid back kinda ghost, and really didn't want to disembowel me or otherwise do me bodily harm, so I really didn't need to bring along any defense paraphernalia.
Oh, except I unfortunately did make use of one thing I brought along :
6.
But you really, really don't want to know the details. Suffice it to say that Mr. Ghost can be pretty darn scary when he wants to be.
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I'll be back to reveal more Secrets of the Universe in a couple weeks!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A Spirited Defense
Monday, August 27, 2007
Scary Business
Ever get a strange chill down your spine? Ever heard something go bump in the night? Today's entry in the Truth-revealing business is:
GHOSTS!
Instead of beating around the bush for a paragraph or two, I'll say it right up front: Ghosts are absolutely real. Up to now, this blog has been rather impersonal, with me just showing pictures and telling you stuff. Today I thought that it would be more interesting if I were to get more personal, and let you get some insight on the subject from someone with first-hand knowledge. So I went out and found a ghost, and convinced him to do an interview. So without further ado, I'd like to present
Baba Doodlius'
Mr Ghost floating through the garden
Baba Doodlius: Good evening Mr. Ghost, and thanks for agreeing to do this interview. Actually, and I'm sorry if this offends you, but I can't tell if it's "Mr. Ghost" or "Ms. Ghost"...
Ghost: No offense taken, I actually get that all the time. You got it right, it's "Mr. Ghost", not that it really matters anymore.
BD: Why doesn't it matter?
G: I'm a ghost, dude, you can't have sex when you don't have a body. So it doesn't really matter if it's Mr. or Ms. Ghost, but technically I was a guy before so it would be "Mr."
BD: Ghosts can't have sex? Wow, that really bites. Is that the worst thing about being dead?
G: Come on, Baba, please don't use the "D" word. It's bad enough being dead without people reminding me of it all the time.
BD: Oh, sorry, I never thought that before. I'll rephrase the question: Is the "no sex" thing the worst part about being non-corporeal?
G: Yeah, that's probably the absolute worst part. I do miss some physical things like that - having sex, eating steak, drinking beer...
BD: Wow, no beer, bummer. So is there anything good about being a ghost?
G: Oh, sure, tons of stuff is good - in the first place, you save a buttload of money on travel expenses. I can go wherever I want for free - no gas money, no airfare, and I stay wherever I want, all for free! And no waiting in security lines! If I wanted to go to Tahiti right now, I'd just zap on over there! I'm pure energy, I travel at the speed of light! I can take a day trip to Tahiti! Hell, I could take a day trip to Mars. Actually, I've been there, and I can tell you that NASA is wasting their time - plenty of sand but no good beaches.
Mr. Ghost Travel Photos
G: Well I could go if I wanted to, but that's quite a trip so I don't generally go that far. It would take a year to get there, and to make it worth my while I'd probably spend at least a year there, and then it would take a year to get back. So I'd miss three seasons of "So You Think You Can Dance".
BD: You watch TV?
G: Of course I watch TV, everybody watches TV. Just because you're a ghost doesn't mean you can't veg out in front of the tube.
BD: What's your favorite show?
G: Sitcoms, mostly. I usta watch soaps, but they haven't had a really compelling story line since Luke and Laura.
BD: What do you do when you're not watching TV or travelling?
G: Oh, anything I want. Well, anything except sex and eating, but we've already covered that. I enjoy swimming, skydiving, surfing the web. I read your blog about Ghost Poo, by the way, and I'd like to thank you for not trying to pin that on me. People are always blaming Ghost Poo on me, and I get really tired of it.
BD: You're welcome, but my blog is for revealing the Truth, and I knew it wasn't you causing all that poo to vanish so I couldn't in good conscience tell the readers, all three of them, incorrect information. Anything else you enjoy?
G: Well, I'm a ghost, so I do the occasional haunting. We all do, it's in the manual.
BD: Who do you haunt?
G: Anybody I want to, really. If I see someone who needs to be taken down a peg, I'll give 'em a little scare. I haunted the heck out of the guy who cancelled "Charles in Charge".
BD: Who have you haunted recently?
G: Dick Cheney. Almost shorted out his pacemaker, too! You shoulda seen his face! I almost laughed my sheet off!
BD: I'd sure like to see a picture of that!
G: Oh, they're awfully comfortable! I don't have a body, so it doesn't matter what I look like, and these things are just so flowy and convenient! Plus it saves tons of wardrobe planning - I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear for the day, I just grab the next sheet out of the closet and I'm done!
BD: Thanks for your time, Mr. Ghost.
G: My Pleasure, Baba. And one last thing... BOO!
BD: AAAAAAAAGH!
G: Sorry, couldn't resist. Old habit, you know.
BD: That's OK. Have a nice day!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Don't get stepped on
Hello once again, all you fans of the Truth! Today the Great and Powerful Baba Doodius will tackle a mystery nearly as pervasive and scrutinized as the Loch Ness Monster mystery that I have already reported on. This mystery is a little hairier, though: I'm talking about
BIGFOOT!
For eons, people all over the world have reported seeing the tracks of a large biped in remote areas beyond human habitation. By the size of the tracks, the creature who made them would have to be very large, probably over seven feet in height and over 300 pounds.
No, no, no - Shaquille O'Neal is NOT bigfoot (even if he is reported to wear size 22G's). As I already noted, Bigfoot is expressly reported to live in areas beyond human habitation, and for better or for worse, Mr. O'Neal clearly lives within civilization. So we have to look elsewhere to solve the mystery of Bigfoot.
So what evidence is there to support the existence of a large mammal hiding in the world's forests?
1) Blurry photos and even some films.
2) Bigfoot poo. (I swear I am not making this up - people have really reported this.)
3) Footprints. Lots of footprints.
I'll take these one at a time:
1) This is a still picture from a famous film. It is of a guy in a monkey suit trying to act like Bigfoot. In fact, every Bigfoot photo or video ever shot is of some guy in a monkey suit. They're not fooling anyone.
2) Bigfoot poo? Yeah, right - this was left in the woods by the drunk brother-in-law of the guy who took the picture. C'mon now, stop insulting our intelligence.
3) So we're left with all those footprints. There are so many Bigfoot footprints in the American west that you can't drive your huge SUV off-road without damaging your shocks running over all those damned Bigfoot footprints.
So where do all the footprints come from? In order to determine this, I had to do some old-fashioned detective work.
I analyzed every Bigfoot footprint ever found in the U.S. of A., and discovered that there was only one unpopulated place where a Bigfoot footprint has NOT been found - a really, really remote wilderness area northeast of Bondurant, Wyoming. Using my infinite powers of deduction, I determined that there would soon be a Bigfoot footprint appearing there, so I staked out the area with my trusty camera. To my utter amazement, I found the True Source of Bigfoot footprints:
GNOMES! On stilts!
Those darned little prankster gnomes are travelling the world with big, fake feet, walking around making Bigfoot footprints all over the place.
This should come as a surprise to nobody - gnomes are nototious for practical jokes. They hide your car keys, they turn on your sprinklers when you're out working in the yard, and they even started that "toilet paper shortage panic" in the '70's. I for one would like them to just cut it the heck out. Anybody with me on this?
Monday, August 13, 2007
Hello, hello, hello, is there anybody out there?
The last secret I revealed was a doozy, but this one is even better. For millenia, humans have looked up at the stars and wondered "Is there anybody up there?" An even bigger question is, "If there is anybody up there, do they ever pop in down here for a visit?" Today I am going to reveal the secret that has spawned a whole cottage industry down here on good ol' earth, the Truth behind the existence of
SPACE ALIENS AND UFOs!
There are lots of theories about UFOs and space aliens. Most people have heard of Roswell, New Mexico (USA) and its citizens' claim to have had a genuine alien spaceship crash in near their town in the 1940s. Crop circles seem to be sprouting faster than the actual crops. Stories of UFO sightings are so commonplace nowadays that people hardly raise an eyebrow when they hear of another one. Practically everybody and his dog has seen something unexplained in the sky, and many people even claim to have been kidnapped by aliens, taken aboard their spacecraft, and had their anuses probed by curious extraterrestrial perverts. So what is the truth behind all of these sightings and stories? The Truth is..
Extraterrestrial life does exist!
And I'm not talking about microbial life, like the stuff NASA has been rolling robots all over Mars trying to find. I'm talking about serious life, intelligent life, with full-blown civilizations consisting of billions of inhabitants. There are veritable bucketloads of highly advanced civilizations throughout the Universe! And what's even better,
Alien Spacecraft also exist!
Literally thousands of these extraterrestrial civilizations have accomplished the amazing achievement of building spacecraft capable of interstellar transportation. They've got stuff so advanced it would make the nice folks who wrote Star Trek episodes say "Holy shit! Why didn't I think of that?".
So all those UFO sightings on earth are really extratrerrestrial spacecraft just dropping by for a cup of tea and a little recreational cow mutilation, right? Not so fast there, Stanton Friedman. I said that alien spacecraft exist, not that aliens actually go out of their way to fly them here.
The sad fact is that this little planet isn't nearly as interesting as humans think it is. Sure, it has some nice spots here and there, and a few of the local critters are pretty cool, but for the most part this is a rather ordinary, uninteresting planet unless you grew up here. All those citizens of those highly advanced civilizations have waaaaay better stuff to do than stop by a boring, technologically backward planet for the sheer pleasure of peering up the local's buttholes and drawing pictures in their barley fields. No, they have to work pretty hard to make the payments on their new interstellar Hummers and Lexuses, and would much rather spend their downtime visiting Uncle Bloogjooper over on planet Zort*. You know, the one over by that nebula, near that little star cluster.
So enough with the UFO sightings already. If you want to meet the neighbors, you figure out how to go visit them. They'll find you much more interesting then.
*Not his real name. Also not his planet's real name.
Monday, August 6, 2007
A personal favorite of mine
Howdy all you fans of mystery solving. Welcome back!
Today I am going to reveal a secret that has had so much speculation for the last several thousand years that its really amazing that nobody has hit on the truth yet, even if just from random guessing. It seems that everybody and his dog has had a crack at solving this mystery, but nobody has figured it out yet - until now! I am referring to
THE BUILDING OF THE PYRAMIDS!
Among the theories of pyramid construction are the following:
1) They were built by space aliens tooling around in UFOs
2) They were made of concrete, poured rather than piled up
3) They were built by just the Egyptians themselves, with raw muscle power and engineering skill
These theories, of course, are all ridiculous. They were not made out of concrete, and plain old Egyptians, despite their considerable engineering skill, didn't have the aggregate muscle power to pile up all those rocks in a few hundred years. Clearly they had help, making the space aliens theory the most promising, and oddly enough, closest to the truth. However, there was nothing unidentified about the flying objects that helped the Pharaoh and friends build these artificial mountains. I, Baba Doodlius, via a variant of my patented Reverse K.E.G. Process, have travelled *back in time* with my trusty camera to obtain photographic evidence of the REAL method of Egyptian pyramid construction:
(As usual, click image for larger view)
The Egyptian pyramids were built by enormous birds!
If you just think about it for a minute, this makes perfect sense. If you look at Egyptian hieroglyphic writing, it's top heavy with pictures of birds:
, among others. Then take a look at some statues of one of their more important gods Horus. They actually made some statues of this guy that were 20 feet tall, which is a little scaled down from the actual birds that helped build all their large structures but still pretty big. Lastly, just think of the shape of a pile of bird poo as it builds up over time - it looks rather like a pyramid!Clearly, birds were very important and inspirational to the Egyptians. Now we know that the reason for this is that a flock of humongous birds actually helped the Egyptians build their monuments, temples, and tombs. Birds, as the wise, ancient Egyptians knew, are way cool.
This post was not in any way influenced by the fact that I'm a bird. Have a nice day!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Thanks, and here is the cockroach
Oddly enough, somebody actually read this blog. The Universe gets stranger by the day.
Anyway, thanks to the readers and especially those who left nice comments. That's appreciated.
And I had one request for the picture of a medium-sized Texas cockroach eating a Volkswagen New Beetle, so here's that:
Sorry, but I couldn't get a shot of one of the REALLY big cockroaches - they get ornery when you take their picture, and I didn't want to lose any limbs. My camera is pretty nice, but it lacks the grenade launcher attachment.
Tune in next time, when the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius reveals the truth behind another Mystery of the Universe!
