Hello, hello, hello, is there anybody out there?

The last secret I revealed was a doozy, but this one is even better. For millenia, humans have looked up at the stars and wondered "Is there anybody up there?" An even bigger question is, "If there is anybody up there, do they ever pop in down here for a visit?" Today I am going to reveal the secret that has spawned a whole cottage industry down here on good ol' earth, the Truth behind the existence of


SPACE ALIENS AND UFOs!


There are lots of theories about UFOs and space aliens. Most people have heard of Roswell, New Mexico (USA) and its citizens' claim to have had a genuine alien spaceship crash in near their town in the 1940s. Crop circles seem to be sprouting faster than the actual crops. Stories of UFO sightings are so commonplace nowadays that people hardly raise an eyebrow when they hear of another one. Practically everybody and his dog has seen something unexplained in the sky, and many people even claim to have been kidnapped by aliens, taken aboard their spacecraft, and had their anuses probed by curious extraterrestrial perverts. So what is the truth behind all of these sightings and stories? The Truth is..

Extraterrestrial life does exist!

And I'm not talking about microbial life, like the stuff NASA has been rolling robots all over Mars trying to find. I'm talking about serious life, intelligent life, with full-blown civilizations consisting of billions of inhabitants. There are veritable bucketloads of highly advanced civilizations throughout the Universe! And what's even better,

Alien Spacecraft also exist!

Literally thousands of these extraterrestrial civilizations have accomplished the amazing achievement of building spacecraft capable of interstellar transportation. They've got stuff so advanced it would make the nice folks who wrote Star Trek episodes say "Holy shit! Why didn't I think of that?".

So all those UFO sightings on earth are really extratrerrestrial spacecraft just dropping by for a cup of tea and a little recreational cow mutilation, right? Not so fast there, Stanton Friedman. I said that alien spacecraft exist, not that aliens actually go out of their way to fly them here.

The sad fact is that this little planet isn't nearly as interesting as humans think it is. Sure, it has some nice spots here and there, and a few of the local critters are pretty cool, but for the most part this is a rather ordinary, uninteresting planet unless you grew up here. All those citizens of those highly advanced civilizations have waaaaay better stuff to do than stop by a boring, technologically backward planet for the sheer pleasure of peering up the local's buttholes and drawing pictures in their barley fields. No, they have to work pretty hard to make the payments on their new interstellar Hummers and Lexuses, and would much rather spend their downtime visiting Uncle Bloogjooper over on planet Zort*. You know, the one over by that nebula, near that little star cluster.

(Video of actual alien visitation)

So enough with the UFO sightings already. If you want to meet the neighbors, you figure out how to go visit them. They'll find you much more interesting then.




*Not his real name. Also not his planet's real name.