Howdy all you seekers of knowledge! Welcome back to the Baba Doodlius Emporium of Truth!
Today's topic is yet another of the great Mysteries of the Universe that has fascinated humankind for millenia. The roots of this mystery go back to the beginning of human existence, when certain persons, through their seeming mastery of paranormal phenomena, earned the respect, awe, and financial contributions of lesser mortals. I am of course referring to the Mystery of
"Psychic Power" is actually a collection of different topics, which I am combining into a single post because I am a lazy bastard. The gamut of psychic phenomena runs from Telepathy and ESP to Psychokinesis to Precognition. Soothsayers and mediums and sorcerers claim to be able to read others' thoughts, manipulate objects with only their minds, and predict future events. (Frequently they perform these feats after being given large piles of valuable goods.)
Arguments over the reality of psychic phenomena have raged for as long as psychics have existed. This battle royale has not abated to this day. So who are combatants in this eternal struggle?
On the Psychic side: Let's meet some of the well-known psychics from recent history:
1) Jeane Dixon
Claim to fame: Ms. Dixon was the mother of all modern psychics, whose bold precognitions won over important celebrities like Richard Nixon and Nancy Reagan.
2) Uri Geller
Claim to fame: Mr. Geller continues to demonstrate all kinds of psychic abilities, including mind reading and remote vision, but is most known for bending spoons with his mind.
3) John Edward
Claim to fame: Mr. Edward formerly had a television program in which he contacted deceased relatives and friends of audience members, and has also published several books on this topic.
On the Skeptical side: Let's meet some of the prominent nay-sayers:
1) Carl Sagan
Claim to fame: Dr. Sagan was an astronomer and popularizer of scientific ideas, well known for his television program "Cosmos" and for his dismissal of psychic powers as "pseudoscientific twaddle".
2) James Randi
Claim to fame: Mr. Randi is a former professional magician and founding fellow of CSICOP, an organization that investigates paranormal claims.
3) Penn Jillette
Claim to fame: Mr. Jillette is the large half of the magic show duo "Penn and Teller" who have a television program called "Penn&Teller: Bullshit!" which aims at exposing both psychic and nonpsychic fraud.
With all the strong personalities and fiercely-held beliefs on either side, how can we possibly tell who is right? I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have determined a foolproof method of determining who has genuine psychic powers and who doesn't! This method is
This amazing technique allows us to view the auras of living objects, and is a totally real and valid phenomenon (that's a bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge).
So as you can see, none of these self-proclaimed psychics have any real powers at all! How about that?
But any true scientific inquiry has to have a control group. To verify my findings, I tested all the skeptics listed above using the same Kirlian apparatus and got this result:
Amazingly, the Kirlian photographs clearly show that all of the skeptics have actual psychic abilities! How can this be? What can this mean? When other people wish to deceive us into thinking they are gifted psychics, why would these amazing persons want to hide the fact that they posess genuine paranormal powers?
A common trick-of-the-trade for professional magicians (like, for example, Penn Jillette or James Randi) is misdirection - the magician distracts the audience and, while their attention is diverted, performs some sleight of hand that makes the observers unaware of what is truly happening. The same thing is going on here: the skeptics are misdirecting our attention from the real psychics, which are, of course, themselves. Why would they do this?
The answer is: these real psychics live in a constant state of paralyzing fear! Fear of being thought of as "freaks". Fear of being ostracized by society. Fear of being made to "disappear" by those in authority who see them as too dangerous to be let roam free! Woe is them!
But now their secret is out! They no longer have to live in fear because we know everything, and we still love them for who they are!
If you see Penn Jillette or James Randi today, give them a big hug and say "I know your secret and I want you to know, I still love you, man!"
When they shed those tears of gratitude, tell them Baba Doodlius sent you!
This post is dedicated to the memory of Dr. Carl Sagan. Billions and billions of people miss you, Carl.