Too Much Holiday Cheer

Howdy once again, all you backstrokers in the swimming pool of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with another blog entry, but this time it contains no Revelation of a Mystery of the Universe.

Why no Revelation today? Well, as regular readers (all five of you) may have noticed, I haven't been around lately. I have, in fact, been in a coma for the past 14 days. How might that have come about, you ask?

Well, maybe it's better if you don't ask. But you asked, so I guess I'll tell you: I experienced what medical professionals have termed

EHCS

which, as you probably know already since it's so prevalent this time of year, is short for

Excessive Holiday Cheer Syndrome

In other words, I attended the 5th Annual Mystery Solvers Association Holiday Party. And while there, I unfortunately consumed maybe just a little too much of the eggnog. And I have no idea whatsoever what was in it besides egg and nog.

So let me back up a step and explain what's going on here. The Mysery Solvers Association (MSA) is an organization of the great Mystery Solvers on planet Earth. Everybody who's anybody in the mystery biz is a member, and naturally I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, am the brightest luminary in this galaxy of super-investigators.

We don't really have regular meetings or anything formal like that - we Mystery Solvers are a solitary bunch, loners and outcasts and outsiders who exist on the fringes of ordinary society. Well, many of us are like that. Which means we don't get out much. So we have only one social event every year, and that would be our Holiday Party.

You're familiar, I am sure, with the concept of the Holiday Party. Most offices have them, and many bars, and many clubs, and pretty much every organization that needs an excuse to throw a party. The Mystery Solvers Association is no different. And the result of our Holiday Party is not different from most either - we get together and make complete and utter idiots of ourselves.

And I have pictures!

Most of the pics are nothing that should ever be shown in public - you'd be amazed at how rowdy a bunch us Mystery Solvers can be. However, since we don't have a newsletter and some of the members rarely show up to the Holiday Party (I'm talking about you, Sherlock - and by the way, we all know you're a junkie so there's no reason to try to keep it hidden from all of us), I promised to put up a couple of them here so that the whole group can see what went on. The actual attendees were wholeheartedly against this idea, but a promise is a promise, so I'm gonna post some of the less incriminating shots. Forgive me, please, for the poor quality - the aforementioned eggnog was pretty brutal.

So here are a few pics of the 5th Annual Mystery Solvers Association Holiday Party:

1)


Columbo in the garage right after he arrived. I don't know if he was in a bad mood, or if he was cheezed off by the "No Smoking" sign since he's a chain smoker, or if he was trying to be funny by flipping 'the bird' to a bird, but he clearly was giving me "the finger" in this photo. He always was a big doofus. Plus that lazy eye thing drives me nuts!

2)


Harry Potter's owl Hedwig hangs out in the kitchen with Doris the Witch from "Clash of the Titans" (in the movie she was the one in the middle, in case you were curious). It's pretty obvious how Doris got in the MSA, since the "Clash" witches were billed as "all-seeing, all-knowing" - although in reality, Doris doean't really know all that much. But she knows enough to get in the club. You're probably wondering how Hedwig got into the MSA, though. He's actually our most recent addition to the club, and he got invited because he was the one who, single-handedly and at great personal risk, broke the story that Dumbledore is gay! So, thanks for solving that Mystery and welcome to the club, Heddy! Heddy gives another data point to my Revelation that nobody ever suspescts the bird.

By the way, I'm pretty sure it was Doris who spiked the eggnog. I've been too incapactiated lately to do a formal investigation, though. But she's done it before, that mean little witch.

3)


Speaking of spiked eggnog, this is Joe Hardy (yes, the younger of the Hardy Boys) after having a little too much of the stuff. I took this one in the basement bathroom, and boy did it ever stink down there!

4)


Scooby Doo, Inspector Clouseau, and Jessica Fletcher in the living room. I don't know if it was the eggnog or the Scooby Snacks or something else available in the back of the Mystery Machine, but Scooby was humping everything in sight all day long. Clouseau was trying to get him to stop humping the tree, but as usual the good Inspector was somewhat ineffective. (Inspector Clouseau, by the way, is more of an honorary member of the MSA - he doesn't really solve any Mysteries, but he's fun to have around.) Jessica, as usual, dressed waaaay too sexy for a holiday party. She has a a nice body for her age, and I understand the "if you've got it flaunt it" mentality, but really, Jessie, at least put on a little jacket or something.

5)


This one was the last one I took before I passed out. It's hard to see clearly, but that's Encyclopedia Brown and Nancy Drew in the master bedroom "investigating each other's secrets", as Nancy put it. They were all over each other all night, and when Doris told them to get a room, they did. Insatiable, those kids are.


That's it for the Holiday Party pics. Hope the Mystery Solvers who were not able to attend got a good idea of how the party went, and that these pics do not dissuade any of you from attending next year.

Season's Greetings to All from the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius!

Cold Hard Facts: OK, Finally

OK folks, I promised that I wouldn't get the darned Mysteries wrong, and then I got it wrong again yesterday. But today I got it right - I checked everything with the Ultimate Authority*, who said that I didn't screw anything up this time, and that's as good a guarantee as you will ever find on this planet.

So without further ado, I'd like to get to my Revelation of this week's Mystery of the Universe, the Truth behind the Secret of


The Abominable Snowman!





The Abominable Snowman, or "Yeti", is said to be a powerful, fearsome ape-like beast that resides in the perfmafrost of the Himalayan Mountains in central Asia. This creature has terrorized the indigenous inhabitants of that region for the past several hundred years. Leading a lonely, solitary existence (except for raiding the ocasional village to carry away a few small children), this brute is seldom seen by human eyes.

Aside from invoking all that terror, the Abominable Snowman is so ingrained in our cultural consciousness that we regularly invoke it for our own entertianment:


The Abominable Snowman terrorizes Peter Cushing


The Abominable Snowman terrorizes Bugs Bunny


The Abominable Snowman terrorizes Yukon Cornelius

With all the fuss over this beast, what evidence is there that it actually exists?

1) First of all, (and very similar to Bigfoot accounts), the Abominable Snowman reportedly leaves large footprints all over its natural habitat:


Yep, looks rather like a Bigfoot footprint, but in the snow

2) Also, a group of Nepalese monks have an artifact that they claim is a scalp from one of these creatures:


I did not make this up - this thing is in a monastery in Nepal. Seriously, Google it for yourself!

3) Naturally, there are also scads of eyewitness accounts.


I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, set forth on an expedition to the frigid wastes of the Himalayas, to examine all this evidence and get to the bottom of this Mystery once and for all. So what did I make of all the evidence?

1) Footprint? Fake. C'mon now, all that snow and there was just ONE FOOTPRINT?. They have to do better than that. Sheesh!

2) The scalp isn't a scalp at all, but rather a pelt from a goat's ass. And it still smells like one.

3) So what of the eyewitness accounts? These are harder to dismiss, because they go back for generations and are not consistent in their details over that time.

But oddly enough, I did notice that over the past 30 years or so, the descriptions of the beast have been consistent - they detail the creature as being approximately man sized, with oddly shaped feet and covered with white hair. I decided that I must look for this creature myself in order to evaluate these recent claims.

• [On a side note, you folks should be thanking me for doing this investigation so you don't have to. Why? Because it's EFFIN COLD in the remote Himalayan wilderness. I about froze my feathered ass off for you folks. I hope you appreciate it.]

So what did I find out on the freezing, oxygen-starved heights of the Top of the World? I discovered that

There really is an Abominable Snowman!

After days of searching, I located a super-secret hidden cave, and venturing inside I caught my first glimpse of the terrifying creature, the bulbous body, the, uh, round feet, and those terrible, uh, big, blue eyes...



Blue eyes?

I hid and waited for a few minutes, and what I saw was astonishing!



It was the Pillsbury Dough Boy! In a fur coat!

So at this point you are saying, "But you said it was man-sized, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy is only 6 inches tall." Well, that's a common misconception. The Pillsbury Dough Boy is actually 6'4" - on his old commercials they used special camera effects, sorta like they used to make the Hobbits look tiny in the "Lord of the Rings" movies, to make him appear so small (that's a bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge).

Now you're saying "What the heck is the Pillsbury Dough Boy doing in a cave in the Himalayas?" I can only speculate on that based on my observations: when he finally saw that I was watching him, he threw on his coat and fled into the snow, screaming

"Not the belly! DON'T POKE MY BELLY!!!"

So I have concluded that all those years of getting poked in the belly finally drove him insane (wouldn't it do the same to you?), so he took off to Nepal to become a recluse. Now he lives happily alone, far from all those giggling children, poking fingers, and hot ovens. I'll put this Mystery in the "Solved" column!

All this investigating has made me hungry. I think I'll go bake some moist, flaky biscuits and crescent rolls! Yummy!



* In case you were wondering, the Ultimate Authority is Mrs. Doodlius. That's another bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge.

Cold Hard Facts: Let's try that again

Howdy all you hungry baby birds waiting for the momma bird of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

So I started to do a post yesterday about the Mystery of "The Adorable Snowman". Well, it turns out that I had a tiny misunderstanding about this particular Mystery. In fact - and I can admit when I'm wrong - I got the whole name of this mysterious creature incorrect.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize profusely to all my readers (yes, all 4 of you). Here I am telling you folks that "I know all" and then I go and do a boneheaded thing like getting a simple name wrong. It won't happen again.

So I checked my notes and did a little more research, and today I would like to present my findings about the REAL denizen of the frozen wastes, that creature who strikes fear into the hearts of snowboarders everwhere,


The Abdominal Snowman!




When this fearsome beast is not terrorizing sherpas and cross-country skiers, it can be found in the gym, compulsively doing crunches and sit-ups, hanging out by the Torso Track and the Ab Rocker, working on its mighty six-pack...

What?

Well CRAP! Fer cryin' out loud, why didn't you stop me?!?

OK, I'll get this right. I vow that I will get this right. Consarnit.

Cold hard facts

Howdy all you wiggly lures on the fishing line of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

You may recall that I did a startling Revelation a few months ago about Bigfoot. (If you don't recall that, feel free to click the conveniently provided link - this is definitely a Secret of the Universe that needs to be known!) Since then I have received countless inquiries* from you dedicated Truth-seekers about another creature that has similarly eluded scientific study and classification for centuries. Rather than hanging out in the deep woods, though, this beast roams the trackless, barren lands of ice and snow. Of course, I am referring to


The Adorable Snowman!




This creature has delighted children since time immemorial. Bright-eyed tykes squeal with laughter as they build likenesses of this joyful beast amidst picturesque scenes of Winter bliss and...

What?

Uh, wait a minute, let me check my notes...

Hmm... OK, my bad. Heh-heh, sorry about that. Just a little misunderstanding there. Let me do a little more research and I'll get back to you.




* Actually it's not exactly countless - the current count of inquiries stands at, uh, zero.