This time it's personal

I thought that this week I'd relax a bit and take a short break from revealing a great Secret of the Universe. So come on, join me by the fireplace, and have a brandy.



Ahh, that's better. As you sip your beverage, I'd like to get a little more intimate with you, the readers of this blog. No, I'm not making a pass, I'd just like to take this opportunity to open the Reader Mailbag and answer a few questions that you, the readers, have asked over the past few months.

Theresa R., from Upper Coomera, Queensland, Australia, says:

"Hello Mr. Doodlius. I'd like to know what it's like being a bird in a human-dominated world."

That's an excellent question, Theresa. But first, call me Baba - no need for all the formailty, we're all friends here. Now to answer your question: Being a bird can be a real pain in the buttfeathers sometimes. Humans chase you away from their crops with big, stuffed dummies on sticks, they complain when you take a dump on their cars, and they like to fry you and serve you with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob.


But on the plus side, some humans will give you free food and a place to take a bath. So it's a mixed bag.

Veronica S., from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA, says:

"Hey birdo. What historical figures do you admire?"

OK, Veronica, I said we're all friends here, but we're not that familiar - let's put the kibosh on that 'birdo' thing and just stick to 'Baba', please.

Anyway, since you were so kind to ask I will list a few of my personal heroes:

1) Jerome Cadwallader
Jerome was one of the original supermodels. He's been out of the business for years, but you can still see his likeness on lawns throughout the world:

Jerome, left, and a couple of his likenesses (color enhanced).

2) Sam the Eagle
Sam made his mark as a thespian on "The Muppet Show".


An underrated actor, he was in reality nothing like his onscreen straight-laced persona. Quite the contrary, actually:


3) Cynthia McElroy
Cynthia had a completely unheralded role in the field of physics:

Cynthia, indicated by red arrow, drops an historic apple on Isaac Newton

She had an insight about Universal Gravitation, and the only way she could effectively communicate her theory to Isaac Newton was to drop an apple on his head. (She considered dropping, er, something else, but figured if she grossed out Sir Isaac he just wouldn't get the
message.)

Ian F., from Richmond, Surrey, UK, says:

"Greetings, O Amazing Knower of Universal Secrets. How do you come by all that incredible knowledge?"

Ah, Ian, you flatter me! And thanks for asking that question. It's not easy knowing all these Secrets. I have to perform countless hours of research to answer all those questions that nobody else can accurately answer. I perform thought experiments, just like Albert Einstein or Werner Heisenberg, and just like them I come up with startling and impressive results. (Unlike them, I don't get international recognition, scientific principles named after me, and my picture on posters in every nerd's college dorm room.)


To obtain all my photographic evidence, I have had to make myself a master of disguise. I can remain inconspicuous by using the age-old private eye trick, wearing Dark Sunglasses:

Here's me ready to go get some evidence!

Everybody knows that you can easily remain inconspicuous if you just wear shades. Just ask any celebrity!

Angelina Jolie and Nicolas Cage pass as ordinary mortals just by donning a pair of shades


But you probably don't know the other reason that I can remain inconspicuous. It's a minor Secret of the Universe of and by itself, so as a bonus and a thank-you for reading my blog, I will now reveal to you the Secret of my Success in uncovering secrets of the Universe:


Nobody ever suspects the bird!


Seriously - when was the last time you were walking down the street, saw a bird, and thought "That guy's up to something". You never did! Nobody ever thinks the bird has an ulterior motive for being there, no matter the circumstances. I'll even prove it to you.

Here are some pics of me on the job, collecting evidence about some of my previous Revelations. In none of these situations did anyone suspect that I was secretly observing them:


Here's me in the hospital where I did my report on "How Babies Know When to be Born".



This one was taken shortly before I caught the gnomes red-handed making big footprints while investigating the Secret of "Bigfoot". Bonus secret: gnomes tend to be drunker than karaoke-singing politicians when they go do the Bigfoot-footprint thing.


This pic was taken recently, while investigating "Area 51". From left to right are Rep. Ruben Hinojosa (D-TX), me, Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL), Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM), and an intoxicated congressperson who would probably prefer to remain unidentified.


I guess that'll wrap up the Reader Mailbag for today. Thanks to all of you who wrote in with your questions, and thanks for reading!