Clear the Area!

Hello once again! And how are all you Pilgrims on the Journey of Truth today? I trust you're in good spirits and are ready for another Revelation from yours truly, Baba Doodlius. Hm? I thought so! So here we go with today's Secret of the Universe!

This week our Mystery may get me into a little trouble with the Government of the United States of America. You see, what I'm about to reveal is classified

TOP SECRET!

This means that once I reveal the Truth behind this Mystery, large genltlemen with badges and firearms will probably start following me and tapping my phones. The nature of this Mystery goes directly to the heart of a U.S. Government Secret that dates back several decades and has fostered a huge, fanatical following of conspiracy theorists who have been seeking to shed light on this Secret. I am referring to that renowned center of clandestine activity in the deserts of Nevada known as


AREA 51!!!


Area 51 is the not-so-secret code name of an installation run by the U.S. Military out in the middle of absolutely nowhere. As the old saying goes, the location's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. This location was considered so Top Secret that no aircraft are allowed anywhere near it, and its existence was officially denied until the 1980's, when the Soviets, trying to scare up some extra cash, started selling satellite photos of it to the conspiracy theorist crowd.

Actual satellite photo of Area 51

When you start poking around the perimeter of Area 51, you are greeted by pleasant signs that make you feel right at home:

The "Warning" section says something about being targeted by guys with big guns

Well, you feel right at home if you grew up in prison, or in Soviet-era Eastern Europe.

All the secrecy surrounding Area 51 has given rise to a cadre of amateur investigators who have been trying to pull back the curtain on this facility for decades. The theories about activities in Area 51 range from the mundane (Developing surveillance aircraft like the U-2)


to the bizarre (Performing autopsies on the occupants of crashed alien spacecraft).


As usual, all of the theories proposed so far are completely wrong. This is because the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius has never joined in the investigation - until now!

Taking advantage of my unique detective abilities, I was able to infiltrate Area 51 and obtain actual photographic evidence of the Top Secret activities that go on there! And what I have discovered may SHOCK and possibly SICKEN you!

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH!!!

OK, don't say I didn't warn you. I have discovered that Area 51 is actually...



A karaoke bar. For U.S. Government employees.

Apparently they built the airstrip in order to clandestinely transport U.S. Government workers from Washington D.C. to the karaoke bar in Nevada. They had to put the bar way, waaaay out there because most of the participants are elected officials, and if anyone ever saw and heard what they were all doing, the whole lot of them would be summarily voted out of office by the nauseated public!

Surpressing my need to toss my cookies, I was able to sneak into the facility to get some pictures of some of the festivities (you should thank me for not bringing a tape recorder):


Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) sings "I Got You Babe" with Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY)



Vice President Dick Cheney gives us his best sneer as he sings Elvis' "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog". As usual, the Vice President only sings solo.


In the evening's finale, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) went head-to-head with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) in the "Congressional Idol" contest. Their duet performance of "You're The One That I Want" from the musical "Grease" was met with polite applause by the 7 audience members who had not yet passed out drunk.

That was all I could take. After snapping these photos I fled like a bird out of hell, nearly getting captured by military guards when I paused near the front gate to retch up my dinner. (No pictures of that, folks - use your imagination. Or better yet don't.)

So that, dear reders, is the awful, horrifying truth of Area 51. I sure hope you appreciate this one, folks - it may take me weeks to recover!