Skanky in the Springtime

Hello again, ye cartographers charting the Map of Truth. Baba Doodlius here, with today's Mystery of the Universe!

There are many Mysteries of the Universe out there, of varying degrees of difficulty to reveal. Many of them have some Cosmic significance, or at least some relevance to your everyday life. This week's entry is nothing of any importance whatsoever.

So why would I even bother to reveal a Mystery that appears to be completely insignificant? Because it happens to be the most perplexing Mystery of all time. Naturally, I am referring to the Great Secret of

Paris Hilton's Popularity!



Oh, I know what you're gonna say - "I don't pay any attention to the exploits of Paris Hilton." Well I know you don't, and I certainly don't, but somebody does. Heck, you can't flip a channel or click a web link without hitting some stupid reference to this person.

I have to admit that when this Mystery was first brought to my attention, it had me completely flummoxed. It is quite the mind-boggler: How can someone who possesses no apparent useful skills and seems to have trouble forming coherent thoughts get so damn much press? People actually put her in movies and let her record music albums when she can barely breathe, let alone act or sing.


I only wish I were kidding about this album cover. It's the real McCoy.

There are a few theories about why this person is so well known and, in some circles, well-liked:

1) She's got money. GOBS of it. More cash than you can shake a diamond-encrusted stick at.

Ms. Hilton in her Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren, worth $500,000 USD (or as she calls it, "pocket change").

2) She has breasts, or rather, she is willing to show many people her breasts.

Sorry, gotta keep close to a PG-13 rating here.

3) (Related to #2 above) She acts slutty. Everybody knows that the slutty girl back in school was the one everybody wanted to hang out with (in at least a couple senses of that phrase).


4) Someone has created a mind control ray that makes people think that Paris Hilton is newsworthy.



Let's analyze these theories, shall we?


1, 2, and 3: So many people nowadays conform these criteria that there's no way a single person could net all that press coverage for this common set of attributes, so these potential solutions are obviously impossible.

So, as Sherlock Holmes would say - "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." You can't argue with a fictional genius detective, so that means our Theory #4 must be the truth! I guess this Mystery of the Universe is more important than it originally appeared! Good thing I investigated, huh? Anyway...

So who the heck would go through this much trouble to control people's minds?


As usual, I put myself at great personal risk to investigate this question. I managed to trace the Mind Control rays back to their source to determine the culprit. I discovered, on a lonely island somewhere in the Carribean, a shadowy organization known in international espionage circles as


T.I.T.A.N.


This stands for "Tropical Island Takeover Aligned Nations". The membership consists of island nations around the world. I snuck into their secret lair, and I have to say that these are some of the nicest people I have ever met. All I had to do was ask their Press Secretary, and he gave me the following photo of the Grand Unveiling of the Mind Control Ray:



Here's the Grand Unveiling of the Mind Control Ray. From left to right are Trinidad & Tobago Prime Minister Patrick Manning, King Tupou V of Tonga, and Samoan President Tuiatua Tupua Tamasese Efi, who got the honor of hitting the "Start" button.




So why would tropical island nations want to make a mind control ray that makes us interested in Paris Hilton?



The answer to this is fairly obvious: the leaders of T.I.T.A.N. need to distract the global populace in order to make a power grab at the United Nations. And why would they want to take over the U.N? This is also obvious: They have gotten wind of the Baba Doodlius Plan for World Peace*, and they need to control the U.N. in order to force the community of nations to adopt this plan!

Adoption of the BDPWP* would be the best thing that ever happened to the economies of tropical island nations everywhere, and the leaders of these nations will stop at nothing to get this plan passed!


This is actually the best plan I have ever heard for World Domination. It's worthy of an A-List James Bond villain like Scaramanga or Dr. No, and waaaay better than bush-leaguers like Max Zorin or Hugo Drax.


So what can you do about this scheme?




I suggest you do absolutely nothing. Hell, who cares who's ruling the world when you're lounging on a beach sipping a mai-tai?

But if you think you must try to keep control of your own brain, you can always try a tinfoil hat. This is always the first thing to try when you think somebody is trying to control your mind. It even works for some people:



It is well documented that Pope Benedict XVI has exactly zero interest in Paris Hilton.


Personally, though, I'm looking forward to world peace. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go watch the latest episode of "The Simple Life".



* "Baba Doodlius Plan for World Peace" and BDPWP Copyright 2007 Baba Doodlius, all rights reserved.