post-foo The Thoughts and Sayings Of Baba Doodlius: Rocks in my Head

Friday, June 20, 2008

Rocks in my Head

Greetings all you Mosquitoes of Inquisitiveness alighting on the juicy Buttock of Knowledge to feast upon the succulent Blood of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with a Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

Today's Revelation is about a subject ripped right from recent headlines, but it's a Mystery that goes back almost as far as the Pyramids, and is at least as interesting. By now you've figured out that I am speaking of none other than

Stonehenge!

The Secret of Stonehenge is one of the grandest Mysteries in all of human endeavor. Imagine this: Enormous slabs of solid rock weighing tens of tons, dragged many miles and assembled into a monument of cylindrical design, with the precision of modern engineering implements, and all of this labor performed by a Mysterious stone- and bronze-age people! Standing like sentries on Salisbury Plain in southern England, the towering monoliths of Stonehenge have enchanted visitors dating back to the ancient Romans, who are known to have hacked off pieces of the stones to take home as souvenirs. Seriously! Asshole Romans.

For literally thousands of years (yeah, it's pretty darned old), humans have studied the ruins of Stonehenge. Some interesting points about this enigmatic structure that have been discovered so far include:

1) "Stonehenge" is from the Old English words "stan", meaning "rocks", and "henge", meaning, well, uh, modern science has really yet to determine just what the heck a "henge" is. Research is ongoing.

2) Stonehenge was constructed between 3000 and 1600 BC, but nobody is certain who the builders were. Except me. I have discovered that Stonehenge was built by: ancient Brits. (That's a bonus Secret of the Universe, no extra charge!) I know, my knowledge is astonishing! I just can't imagine why nobody has figured this out before.

3) A monument as monumental as Stonehenge cannot help but be inspirational to artists, as evidenced by the megastar heavy metal band "Spinal Tap".

More recent investigations have theorized that Stonehenge was used as a royal burial ground. But you have to keep in mind that this "discovery" was made by archaeologists, and these folks say that just about everything they dig up was a burial ground, or a battlefield, or something related to violence and death. You can't really blame them, though, because violence sells - just go to any modern movie theater if you want this point proved - and archaeologists need to keep getting funding to go dig up more and more stuff. Hey, you always do what's right for the wallet, eh?

The thing is, I happen to know several modern Brits and they most definitely are not all about violence and death (well, maybe some of the football fans). On the contrary, these folk are quite the fun-loving bunch - they're always singing, dancing, drinking (oh yeah, lots of drinking), telling jokes I don't understand, and laughing hysterically at them. They seem so jolly that I can't believe their ancestors would have built a huge, enduring monument to death.

So what was Stonehenge really? I cranked up my patented reverse K.E.G. process and took my camera back in time to see what Stonehenge looked like a few millenia ago. I took this enlightening picture on my trip:


There you have it: "Stonehenge" on opening day. Click picture to enlarge.

Monument to Death, huh? Hardly! It was the world's first Amusement Park!

I was lucky enough to get the picture before the crowds arrived, because once people started showing up it was one huge party! The "Celt-O-Whirl", as the Stonehenge swing ride was called, was a major attraction of the ancient world. It wasn't exactly an extreme G-force astronaut training centrifuge, more like a carousel really, but c'mon, it was 4,000 years ago so give them a break.


The Celt-O-Whirl wasn't quite like this air force extreme-G training session. Click the pic for video, it's pretty cool.

So where do researchers get off saying that this thrill ride was a burial ground? Well, they note that there is evidence of burned human remains at Stonehenge, and they are absolutely right. However, they're wrong about the site being a burial ground. What they have found is the evidence of a terrible side effect of amusement parks: sometimes people fall off the rides! Nowadays when that happens, the accident makes headlines and the victim's family sues the bajeebers out of the amusement park. But 4,000 years ago, if you fell off the ride and your family want around to see it, then tough noogies! They just "got rid of the evidence" right where they found it:

"Why no, Mrs. Pickleford, we haven't seen your little Ian around the Celt-O-Whirl today. He must have gone fishing or something instead. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go dig a big hole and, uh, rapidly rub these two sticks together..."

So they didn't worry about lawsuits back then - they hadn't invented lawyers yet, nor ambulances for them to chase. We're much more enlightened nowadays.

Anyway, now you know the great Secret of Stonehenge. By the way, don't go visiting the site and try to play on the swings - they really, really don't appreciate it.

25 comments:

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thank you again for your in depth research, so aided by your time traveling ability. I have seen quite a few TV programs on Stonehenge since my mobility has kept me at home much of the time and I must say that your discoveries are quite enlightening and more sensible than those of the archeologists who you so correctly identify as folks who are morbidly interested in the dead.

Cheers for you, my dear Bird!

Poetikat said...

Ah! You've done it again, oh Masterful One!
I have actually been to Stonehenge and took lots of panoramic pictures and I can't believe that I never put two and two together to work this out. I mean I used to love the Tilt-a-whirl and carousels and there I was standing in the shadow of the massive stones. Sheesh!
I guess it takes a brilliant bird to make sense of it all.
Thanks Baba! I can finally put this one to bed.
Now, how about Rapa Nui?

Kat

Gorilla Bananas said...

Today is the summer solstice, when hippies, druids and elves will be congregating at The Henge for solemn religious ceremonies involving the drinking of alcoholic potions and possibly nudism if any witches turn up. If you're visiting, stay a safe distance and don't annoy them with your sacrilegious amusement park theory.

Sandy Kessler said...

Monty Python is currently working on a Celt -a- whirl episode go figure..Happy Weekend You baudy beautiful bird!!

Baba Doodlius said...

Nick: yeah, I dunno what's up with those archeologist-types. Not enough nurturing as infants, maybe.

Poetikat: Stonehenge is pretty darned cool when you're up close. Just think of how much fun it was back in the day!

Gorilla: Theory? I offer nothing but the truth, GB. Modern druids offer a nice target for a passing bird, by the way.

Sandy: Nice to be mentioned, even in passing, in the same breath with the geniuses that are Monty Python. Thanks!

Lydia said...

Stonehenge has always facinated me. It's soooo mysterious! Have a great day!

sandy said...

small honorarium to you on my site today ...

The Topiary Cow said...

Whenever Cow dips her toe in the brilliance which is Baba D, is overwhelmed with admiration.

HOW could no one have thought of this before?

Why, Baba answers all...including the discovery of the True Reason for those multiple holes around the circle.

And accounting for the multiple 'splats' atop the heads of current-day visitors.

(Cow is humbled by Baba's intellect)

Moo!

Marja said...

magnificient. I can even help you with this. The man who told miss
pickleford about her son was an ancient pre Dutch person. He buried her son behind one of the stones of the celt o wirl (so it was a burial place as well) and called it stone henge. Hengel is the Dutch word for fishing rod.
A cover up word. Does this make sense to you.

Baba Doodlius said...

Lydia: Sorry to make it not quite so mysterious for you. That's the price of knowledge, unfortunately! A great day to you too!

Sandy: I lost your link! Shame on me! And your profile is private, so I can't check it out. Little hint?

Cow: "How could no one have thought of this before?" I ask that of myself every time I solve another Mystery. It's all about the willingness to put in the time doing research! Moo back atcha!

Marja: Through the knowledge of my readers, the Knowledge of Baba Doodlius is expanded! How wonderful! Thank you very much!

odd facts said...

"Greetings all you Mosquitoes of Inquisitiveness alighting on the juicy Buttock of Knowledge to feast upon the succulent Blood of Truth!"

um...hi!

moooooog35 said...

If you look closely, you can see the "Whack-A-Druid" game just out of focus.

InnerNinja said...

truly enlightening stuff. i would add that disney-henge was also solar powered and wind powered, making it carbon friendly.

UncleMud said...

Baba, I've only been bto your site a few times, but really enjoyed it. I mean, who else out there has dedicated so much research to these TRULY important matters.

Now, as to stonehenge, you're wrong. Utterly wrong. After so many bang on investigations, I don't see how you could slip up so terribly. How could anyone believe this mass of inaccuracies?

Everyone knows the swing's seats were blue.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

Hmmmm, Juicy Buttock of Knowledge. I do like that. I might use that expression at work. Thank you for more enlightenment. I needed it today.

Baba Doodlius said...

Odd Facts: I take it, then, that you preferred the "thoroughbreds" intro from a few weeks ago, eh?

Moooog: I will leave it to you on your blog to examine the existential possibilities of whacking a druid.

Ninja: Eurohenge, however, was a total flop.

Unclemud: The photo doesn't lie. Maybe the pigments were chemically altered over time to make them *appear* blue later on, but on opening day the seats were clearly pink, yellow, and green. Thanks for stopping by, and glad you enjoy the Mysteries of the Universe!

Linda: I'm trying to think of a situation at work wherein the phrase "juicy buttock of knowledge" would come in handy, but such a case escapes even the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius.

AZZITIZZ said...

Hey Doody Babe,

Off the subject a little, well, actually quite a lot!

Lil'Sis wants to know the answer to this doozy....

If zero equals zero which is nothing, zilch, nada, then how come by adding zeros to a number it increases it???
eg: one add zero on the end makes ten? Add two zeros makes one hundred etc., etc.

She also wants to know....If she transferred the amount of six zeros from one of her bank accounts (which wouldn't cost anything as they are zero) to another bank account in which she only had one pound, would she then be a millionaire???

Azzy
XX

odd facts said...

Just checking in. I'm craving some more wisdom.

Alex the Blogging Kat said...

Where iz u, Mr Bird? My hoomin is beingz very silly and I wonderz bout maybe hiz brain no workin' rite. OK?

AZZITIZZ said...

HEY DOODY!!!!

WHERE ARE YOU?????

IS EVERYTHING OK??????

AZZY
XX

odd facts said...

Just being a compulsive commenter and saying hi.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

O great and wise bird,
Squirrel's got an offering for you. Come by.

Odat said...

Stopped by thru Lone Grey Squirrel...
Great blog ya got here!!!!
Peace

odd facts said...

Hope you are doing well.

Baba Doodlius said...

Howdy folks. Thanks for your concern. I've been one busy bird lately, but I'm back now, at least for a while. Enjoy the latest of my Revelations!

Squirrel: Thank you very much! I'll post it with pride very soon!

odat: Thanks for stopping by! Always good to have new folks getting interested in the Mysteries of the Universe!