Don't get stepped on

Hello once again, all you fans of the Truth! Today the Great and Powerful Baba Doodius will tackle a mystery nearly as pervasive and scrutinized as the Loch Ness Monster mystery that I have already reported on. This mystery is a little hairier, though: I'm talking about

BIGFOOT!

For eons, people all over the world have reported seeing the tracks of a large biped in remote areas beyond human habitation. By the size of the tracks, the creature who made them would have to be very large, probably over seven feet in height and over 300 pounds.



No, no, no - Shaquille O'Neal is NOT bigfoot (even if he is reported to wear size 22G's). As I already noted, Bigfoot is expressly reported to live in areas beyond human habitation, and for better or for worse, Mr. O'Neal clearly lives within civilization. So we have to look elsewhere to solve the mystery of Bigfoot.

So what evidence is there to support the existence of a large mammal hiding in the world's forests?

1) Blurry photos and even some films.


2) Bigfoot poo. (I swear I am not making this up - people have really reported this.)


3) Footprints. Lots of footprints.



I'll take these one at a time:

1) This is a still picture from a famous film. It is of a guy in a monkey suit trying to act like Bigfoot. In fact, every Bigfoot photo or video ever shot is of some guy in a monkey suit. They're not fooling anyone.

2) Bigfoot poo? Yeah, right - this was left in the woods by the drunk brother-in-law of the guy who took the picture. C'mon now, stop insulting our intelligence.

3) So we're left with all those footprints. There are so many Bigfoot footprints in the American west that you can't drive your huge SUV off-road without damaging your shocks running over all those damned Bigfoot footprints.

So where do all the footprints come from? In order to determine this, I had to do some old-fashioned detective work.

I analyzed every Bigfoot footprint ever found in the U.S. of A., and discovered that there was only one unpopulated place where a Bigfoot footprint has NOT been found - a really, really remote wilderness area northeast of Bondurant, Wyoming. Using my infinite powers of deduction, I determined that there would soon be a Bigfoot footprint appearing there, so I staked out the area with my trusty camera. To my utter amazement, I found the True Source of Bigfoot footprints:




GNOMES! On stilts!

Those darned little prankster gnomes are travelling the world with big, fake feet, walking around making Bigfoot footprints all over the place.

This should come as a surprise to nobody - gnomes are nototious for practical jokes. They hide your car keys, they turn on your sprinklers when you're out working in the yard, and they even started that "toilet paper shortage panic" in the '70's. I for one would like them to just cut it the heck out. Anybody with me on this?