Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Good morning all you rafters on the whitewater rapids of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with this week's Revelation of another Mystery of the Universe!

As promised, I have no guest blogger today. Buckirk McGurk is out vandalizing a KFC.

Today's Mystery is a vanishing act of truly Epic Proportions. No, I'm not talking about politically liberal ideas in the American Southeast. I'm speaking of an entire civilization and all of its people that have been missing for over 2,500 years! Naturally I'm speaking of the Secret of the

Lost Continent of Atlantis!

The Mystery of Atlantis began when Plato mentioned it in his documentary Timaeus in 360 BC. He said Atlantis was an island somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean whose inhabitants had formed an advanced civilization. The Atlanteans ruled and enslaved most of Europe and a decent part of northern Africa before their expansion was halted due to a defeat in some great struggle with the Athenians. Archeological evidence points to this struggle as most likely being a soccer match:


I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but the Athenians beat the Atlanteans 1-0 on a goal by Theloneus Ronaldinus in penalty time.

The Atlanteans apparently pissed off some god or other, because all trace of their continent was said to have sunk beneath the ocean literally overnight! And it's not like nobody looked for them, either - there were some Libyans who had some serious bones to pick with them about all that slavery stuff. But it is unclear how much of this story we can trust, seeing as how the entire narrative is from a single book written thousands of years ago. So what is the truth behind the Mystery of Atlantis?

I, the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius, have done a thorough investigation, and have found out the Truth behind this fascinating Mystery. And the Truth is:

Atlantis really did exist!


Yep, there it is, just where Plato said it was! Pretty sharp guy, that Plato.

It wasn't much of a continent by continent standards - Plato may have exagerrated just a bit in his dimensional description. It was more like a nice-sized island. But it really was there!

And the most startling fact about Atlantis is:

It didn't sink. It moved! And it's still around!


See? It's not there anymore, just like Plato said. Pretty sharp guy, that Plato.

So this leaves one with a couple of pertinent questions, like

1) It moved? WTF?
2) Where the heck did it go?
3) What happened to the Atlanteans?

To tackle the first question, I refer you reader to the well-known Theory of Plate Tectonics. All the world's land masses were at one time a single large supercontinent known as Pangaea. A few hundred million years ago, this supercontinent broke up and sent the pieces "drifting" all over the globe:


This figure shows various stages of continental drift of the major land masses of the earth. Geologists have determined that the Creatceous Period was the happiest time in the planet's history.

It is a well-established scientific fact that some continents drift faster than others. [In fact, when India was a teenager it thought speeding was really fun - until it rear-ended Asia and had to have its drifing license taken away "until it grew up" (it's acting much more mature lately - maybe in a million years we can trust it to drift alone again). But I digress...]

So what I'm saying here is that Atlantis is just a little tiny continent that, instead of drifting gradually over hundreds of millions of years, drifted all at once!



So where did Atlantis go, and what happened to the Atlanteans?

I diligently searched the globe for clues as to the final location of Atlantis, and I found unmistakable evidence of its current position. It's definitely not sunken, it's on the surface for all to see! And the Atlanteans, with their super-advanced brains, discovered a feindishly clever way to hide their true nature.



They changed the last letter in their name in order to hide their true identities! A simple "c" instead of an "s" has kept their secret intact for over two thousand years!

I know what you're thinking - The lost Continent of Atlantis is in New Jersey? Well, yes. Yes it is. Think about it - the inhabitants speak a nearly incomprehensible language, practice very strange customs, and worship bizarre, alien gods!


Bow down before my impressive combover! Behold the God of Atlantis and his Temple!

Worst of all, they will take everything you have from you if you try to visit their land!


If you find yourself in modern Atlantis, avoid placed like this or the Atlanteans will take all of your stuff!

(I found this out the hard way, when I bet on an inside straight.)


Damn, I knew I shouldn'ta gone 'all in'!

So it is obvious that this civilization is not native to North America. Atlantis has not only survived, but by most accounts is thriving even amidst its currently hostile alien surroundings.

So there's the big Secret behind the disappearance of Atlantis. If you don't believe me, feel free to investigate yourself. Just remember to keep your feathers on.