A hearty howdy to all you hikers on the trail of Truth! Baba Doodlius here, with another Revelation of a Mystery of the Universe!
Today's Mystery involves horror on the High Seas, ships vanishing without a trace, and aircraft lost with no explanation. Of course I am referring to
The Bermuda Triangle!
This mysterious region is located in the Atlantic Ocean, roughly bounded by Bermuda, Miami, and San Juan:
Hundreds of ships and aircraft that have attempted to travel through this Polygon of Doom have mysteriously disappeared! Many people think that the victims have been abducted by aliens or got sucked into another dimension. Others think that the vanished craft were merely lost at sea like so many other ships and planes around the world.
These answers, naturally, are all wrong.
I have investigated this phenomenon, and I can tell you without any doubt that these strange disappearances are real. Plus, I have been able to determine that all of these events have the same cause.
And the truth is disgusting.
All of the sinkings and crashes in the Bermuda Triangle have been caused by:
For millenia, humans have been throwing their trash, refuse, and waste into rivers, lakes, and oceans.
Their thinking was that by covering it with water that it would never bother them again. But they were wrong - so very, very wrong.
You see, water moves, and as it moves it carries with it all of that detritus that people have thrown into it. Lakes run off into rivers, rivers flow into oceans, and ocean currents circle the globe. Eventually the currents hit slow spots, and when that happens all the crap that was being carried along settles out. It so happens that the Bermuda Triangle is where thousands of years of human garbage has settled, creating enormous underwater mountains of slowly-decaying debris.
Eventually it all just piled right up to the surface of the ocean, forming huge unnatural reefs of crap (or "creefs", new word, courtesy Baba Doodlius), invisible to the unsuspecting boats running nearby, full speed ahead. When they get too close, WHAMMO!
This unfortunate ship has hit a creef.
Since the contents of these creefs are constantly decaying, it tends to stink something fierce. Boat crew members and passengers are typically incapacitated by the stench, and go down with the ship without being able to send so much as an "S.O.S." So powerful is the rotten cloud that even aircraft crew flying over it suffer the same fate:
All of the ships and planes that crash get absorbed into the creefs, helping to perpetuate their existence.
So what, you may ask, can you do about this mess? Well, you can avoid going into the Bermuda Triangle if you know what's good for you. But if you are a rebel and a risk-taker, and are already planning a trip that takes you through there, what can you do to protect yourself? Here are Baba Doodlius' Rules for Travel Through the Bermuda Triangle (BDRTBT)* to guide you:
- Once you enter the Bermuda Triangle, test the air frequently for unusual odors.
- If you detect any unusual odors, check to see if you or your immediate neighbor ate Mexican for lunch.
- If Mexican was not on the menu, you are probably nearing a creef. Turn around immediately!
* Baba Doodlius' Rules for Travel Through the Bermuda Triangle and BDRTBT, copyright 2007, Baba Doodlius, all rights reserved