On last update, I had discovered that my old buddy Buckirk McGurk the chicken was the mastermind of the "Hive Action League" (HAL), who has kidnapped millions of North American honeybees and demanded a 10 billion Euro ransom!
But something just doesn't add up here. I know Buckirk McGurk. Buckirk McGurk is a friend of mine. The bee-napping mastermind is no Buckirk McGurk!
So I'm back to the drawing board, looking for more clues to this Mystery using the only evidence I have, which is the picture that HAL sent with their ransom demand:
Hmmm... there's something besides the chicken in this picture that I recognise - that mountain range in the background looks awfully familiar:
Now where have I seen that before? AHA! I got it! I seem to recall a postcard, sent to me by none other than Buckirk McGurk, when he went on vacation a few years back:
Those mountains are the Grand Tetons! Let's see, Grand Teton National Park, quite famous for its striking natural beauty, is located in the state of Wyoming in the U.S. of A.
Wyoming, hmmm...
And that name, "HAL" - where have I heard that before?
What... are... you... doing... Dave?
Yeah, there was the crazy computer in that movie "2001 - A Space Odyssey"*. But I've seen those letters more recently than that. Wait a minute, I think I remember...
HAL is the stock ticker symbol for Halliburton Company!
Hmmm... Wyoming... Halliburton...
No. Oh, no. It can't be!
Ziiiiiiiiiiiiip!
That's not Buckirk McGurk! It's Dick Cheney!
U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney and his buddies at Halliburton, where he was formerly the CEO, are behind the kidnapping of all the North American honeybees! Why would they do something like that? I have to infiltrate Halliburton headquarters to get to the bottom of this! Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!
...
(Wow, this is some white-knuckle suspense right here, ain't it? Worth the price of admission, I tell you!)
...
I'm back! And I know exactly why Halliburton kidnapped all those bees! Check out the following unassailable evidence:
Halliburton is working on genetically modifying honeybees to spit out oil instead of honey! But they don't want to put their oil business profits into the research, so they came up with this kidnapping and ransom scheme to 1) get plenty of test subjects, and 2) to fund the genetic research!
Uh, well, hmm...
Let's see here - Dick Cheney is the Vice President of the United States, and Halliburton is a multi-billion multinational corporation.
I am a bird.
Sorry folks, but I have exactly zero clout here - these folks will just not listen to me when I ask them to please release all the bees!
So, the next time you see Dick Cheney or a Halliburton employee, please ask them very nicely to let the bees go! Bees are our friends! Bees wanna be free! Free the Bees!
* R.I.P. Arthur Clarke. That was quite an imagination you had!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The Sting of Mystery - Solved!
Monday, March 24, 2008
The Sting of Mystery, Continued
When we left off, I was jumping on the trail of the nefarious organization known as the "Hive Action League" (HAL), who has captured millions of North American honeybees and is holding them for a ransom of 10 billion Euros.
So where do detectives start when trying to solve a Mystery such as this? Naturally, we examine the evidence!
The only piece of evidence I had was the picture posted by HAL of a bunch of hostage honeybees
I scoured this photo looking for clues to the identity of the kidnappers! As I was close to blacking out from hours of intense scouring, I noticed something interesting in the picture:
Something about that little blur looks awfully familiar! Let me dust off the ol' photo enhancement skillz, similar to the ones I used to uncover the Truth about the Loch Ness Monster! I'll just zoom in a bit, bring that thing into focus, clean it up a little, and VOILA!
Holy Mackerel! I know that guy!
It's my old buddy Buckirk McGurk, who was a guest Mystery Solver on this very blog a while back, with his own Revelation about the Mystery of "Which came first, the chicken or the egg"!
Buckirk! Say it ain't so! You can't be involved with HAL! You can't have kidnapped all those bees just for a ransom of a measly few billion euros!
Well, come to think of it, Buckirk was always a little jealous of all the money I have. Maybe he's just trying to keep up with the Doodliuses.
But that's not like Buckirk at all! He's such a gentle, good-hearted chicken that he would never stoop to such an underhanded undertaking as kidnapping bees for ransom! Something is bothering me about this Mystery, and I can't quite put my talons on it...
There's more to this bee story than meets the oversized compound eye!
...to be continued AGAIN!
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Sting of Mystery
A while ago I was on a flying tour of North America, and I noticed an odd feeling of lonesomeness. It was as if, in all the wide open spaces, there was something missing, something important, something that one knows should be there but is mysteriously absent. Then it hit me:
There aren't any bees!
Yes, I'm talking about honeybees. Regular old bees. You may generally overlook them, or even be afraid of their painful stings, but the common honeybee is actually very important to the well-being of world agriculture. They are required to pollinate all sorts of crops, so without them there could be a collapse of the food supply of North America!
Fortunately, my statement of a couple paragraphs back is just a little bit alarmist - there still are some bees around, but populations are off by millions compared to a few years ago. So we have a case of millions of missing bees!
When I noticed this phenomenon, I naturally notified the authorities. Scientists took note, and this issue has received a fair amount of press. Check these out for more info, if you're curious:
National Public Radio
The New York Times
Jim Lehrer
Anyway, this problem has been brewing for a while, and I figured that this was a pretty important Mystery to solve, what with the food supply at risk and all. Hey, I need to eat just like anybody! So I went off in search of clues about all these missing bee&l.nievprhe%$&...
Hey, what the....oas03kxfx... *lnf(HHB^%$%IJ8s...
I'm getting some interferen...3e88nchz>OAF$#mnsu... s
DG48t59uk)_^jkihol &hmw[CE ngfhH65&$#^Hw 4^ /456 OL*P,AEY...
Attention! We have intercepted this blog feed in order to send the following IMPORTANT MESSAGE to the citizens of the world!
We are the Hive Action League!
We have your bees!
------------------------------------------[EOF]
Hey! They hijacked my blog to deliver a ransom demand? For bees?!?
Well folks, looks like I have a serious Mystery to investigate!
... to be continued!
